Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The gospel according to the Daily Shitraker states that New Labour’s election party campaigners have become embroiled in what is being termed Pig Gate.
In a recent news release Labour spokeswoman Fellattia Gammer told reporters the party were delighted that Children’s TV celebrity Peppa Pig had accepted an invitation to join the Minister for Sliced Bacon, Porcinella Snargs and the Minister for Troughs, Tosser Bowells on a visit to a kiddie's playgroup centre to highlight the Labour and Common Purpose social engineering policies of breaking up families and taking snatched babes into permanent Big Brother care.
However Peppa Pig’s agent, Jakob Porkenstein, has withdrawn her participation from any and all Labour Party election events.
The British cartoon series, which follows Peppa and her family and friends, is shown in 180 countries around the globe – even those with Islam as a state religion - with Muslim children relating “We really love Peppa the Pig – and it’s all okay and halal as long as we don’t have to eat any of her relatives for breakfast.”
Mr Porkenstein informed one reporter from the Ham & Eggs Gazette that "Peppa Pig is well known for her neutral stance on all matters political so in the interests of avoiding any controversy or misunderstanding, we have decided she should not support the Labour re-election bid and perhaps convey an unintentional message that Gordon ‘No Mates’ Broon and his gang of losers have a cat in Hell’s chance of retaining Parliamentary dominance."
When questioned concerning the drastic change of plans, Business Secretary Lord Peter Scandalson told Fux News "I have heard a very nasty rumour that it was in fact that pillock Posh Dave and his blue blood aristocratic mates who have blackmailed Peppa from joining our election Battle Bus team.”
“Just wait til I have a chat to Baron Rothshite about it then the shit will hit the fan when Cameron and Co receive mid-night visits from Mossad and a high explosive cloned British passport comes sailing through their bedroom window.”
Conversely to Lord Scandalson’s opinions, Tory spokeswoman Chlamydia Mingerot informed Pox News that the Labour Party statement concerning any involvement by Mr Cameron was "hogwash and a pile of old tripe’.
The Labour Minister for Garden Sheds, Ed Ballsup joked at a Labour news conference, voicing a pathetic attempt to make light of Peppa’s turn-around. "Unfortunately Peppa is a very sought-after and 24/7 busy global media star and the old sow is plumb tuckered out and needs her rest – otherwise she’d be here with us – propping Gordon up and helping us flog this dead horse to the finishing post ahead of Posh Dave’s Tories and the Librarian-Dummercats.”
Leon Trottersky, the official Number 10 spokesman for Gordon Broon stated for the record “The Slime Minister and his family are "big fans" of Peppa, but Gordon understands that she has a very busy schedule and simply was not able make it. Further, when Gordon referred to Peppa as a ‘pig-ignorant bigot’ it was simply a slip of the tongue and nothing personal."
So, what’s the word from Peppa herself? “Seriously I just couldn’t bring myself to be such a hypocrite and tell the folks out there that old New Labour and that bullying git of a porridge wog Gordon ‘No Mates’ Broon were a sure bet for winning the election. Even we pigs have scruples and a moral standard to maintain.”
Hmmm, so that’s how far New Labour & Co have sunk in the British voting public’s estimation – now even a pig won’t be associated with them.
Peppa doesn’t seem to have much of a higher opinion of the Tory’s Posh Dave “The Force is with Me” Cameron nor the Librarian-Dummercats chief scally Mick Clogg either – opining in confidence “They’re both a pair of dog wankers and definitely not Downing Street leadership material.”
Rumours that Peppa has personally declared she’s inclined to back the newly-formed Black Pudding Potty Pothole Party that has sprung into life to service popular demand following last Winter’s brief Ice Age sampler remain unconfirmed.
Thought for the day: Did you know there are almost 650 MPs infesting Parliament – just enough to fill one of the NHS Trust’s new lunatic asylums – or a Serco-run ‘ten-to-a-cell’ prison?
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.
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