Times Square ‘Numpty Bomber’ Arrested

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Only days after Homeland Insecurity’s Department of Scaremongering went into Chicken Little mode warning of yet another insidious Islamic terrorist attack against the United States as being in the works, a massive car bomb – as if on a rehearsed schedule - is discovered in Times Square over the weekend.

Though no ‘genuine’ Western intelligence organization has yet discovered who is actually responsible for this embarrassing ‘No Bang’ failure the pre-conditioned fickle finger of Fate is pointing directly at the Pakistani Taliban – due the owner of the vehicle being a certain Mr Fizzy Al Kaseltzer -a US citizen of Paki’ origin, who since being apprehended yesterday on a commercial flight to Dubai to meet up with his Mossad controllers, has now admitted he planted the bomb as a protest against the neo-colonial ambitions of the Great Satan and our non-existent democratic freedoms.

Details have emerged of how the suspect in the failed amateurish bomb plot in the Bad Apple’s Times Square was arrested just nano-seconds before leaving the country. Mr Al Kaseltzer was on a Dubai-bound plane at JFK airport on Monday that was turned back as it taxied for take-off – thanks to an anonymous phone call from Tel Aviv grassing up his location and travel plans.

According to Homeland Insecurity’s extraordinary rendition squad Mr Al Kaseltzer has, after only a couple of fun waterboarding sessions, now ‘coughed up’ and admitted his role in Saturday's attempted attack - plus revealed he received training in bomb-making in Waziristan at the Miran Shah -based Jolly Jihad Mosque of Latter Day Suicide Bombers - from a one-eyed Iranian mullah known only as Achmed who boasted of connections to Al Qaeda’s ‘Islamic Patsy’ terrorist cells.

The Pakistan-born US citizen has been charged with terrorism-related crimes which include attempting to use a weapon of ‘mass destruction’ (Que?) and transporting an explosive device with the intent to scare the fuck out of crowds of shoppers.

Al Kaseltzer is alleged to have recently bought the Nissan ‘Bomb Carrier’ model SUV that was found loaded with several improvised explosive devices in Times Square, specifically for this purpose.

The unexploded bombs left crucial evidence intact that detectives used to trace the culprit, including the vehicle's registration plate number and a credit card receipt from the Chinese-owned 'Fuk Yew Tu Fireworks' factory in Queens.
With that information police tracked the SUV’s origin down to Patsy Shlemiel’s car dealership in upstate Bonkers where the manager, Seymour Snitchstein, related he had sold the vehicle to Al Kaseltzer for cash only days previously.

The car containing the various inflammable and explosive materials comprised of fertiliser, fireworks, petrol and propane gas tanks was left in Times Square on Saturday evening.

Leroy Jaffacake, one of the Bad Apple’s numerous street vendors and the man who discovered the IED’s in the Nissan and raised the alarm – and is now labelled as ‘the Harlem Hero of Times Square’ - played down his role, informing one reporter from the False Flag Gazette “Hey, dere was dis 1993 Nissan SUV parked with de engine running an’ de hazard lights flashing – and a large sign propped up against de windscreen declaring “Danger - Car Bomb Aboard!” – so I gets on ma i-Phone an’ calls up New York’s finest.”

NY police officer Hiram T. Finklestein told news hacks “Hey, it’s as if the guy wanted the bomb found – and himself caught – he even left the engine running and his cellphone and address book – along with copies of the Koran and ‘Bomb-Making for Dummies’ – and a cloned British passport - on the passenger seat.”

The SWAT team bomb disposal specialist who deactivated the various devices in the back of the Nissan SUV told Pox News “Well, it was a right amateurish job and the term ‘crude construction’ doesn’t even touch on it.”
“We do come across some real evil bombs – like the one’s secretly planted inside the FBI’s Alfred P. Murrah Building in Oklahoma City and them that brought the World Trade centre buildings down on 9/11 - but this one was a joke.”

“Inert urea fertiliser that hadn’t even been treated with nitric acid, a couple of propane cylinders without detonation devices, two 5 gallon tanks of unleaded gasoline – and a stack of Chinese-made M88 Maxi-Pop firecrackers. Not quite one of the Hiroshima-style radiological ‘dirty bombs’ we’ve been told to expect.”

Fizzy Al Kaseltzer, who is rumoured to have several ‘Iranian’ buddies on his laptop's Christmas card list – told Homeland Insecurity interrogators that he got the idea for the design of the SUV bomb setup from a Roadrunner cartoon in which similar devices were constructed by Wiley T. Coyote.

Conversely, not to be outdone, NY police officials informed Fux News that the bomb might well have been crude, but could have sparked a significant series of ‘bangs’ and caused pedestrians and shoppers to shit their pants.

To boot – and right on cue – with a single tug on his strings - we now have the White House cuckoo - President Teleprompter himself – spouting off about how “We will run these people down - etc et al – no matter where they hide in Iran”.

Mr O’Barmy labelled the pathetic Times Square bombing attempt “another sobering reminder of the double-dealing times in which we live”.
“Around the world and here at home there are Israeli agents who would attack our citizens and slaughter innocent men, women and children in pursuit of their murderous Zionist agenda of world domination.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.