Saturday, 1 May 2010

May Day Skewed News Views Roundup

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

Lloyd Greedstein, the Khazar-beaked Chairman of NY’s Bad Apple-based investment brokers 'Gold in Sacks’, has admitted that he believes his rip-off merchants outfit had no moral obligation to inform its clients that the company was betting against a product it was soliciting them to buy.
Hmmm, such are the precepts of the bleary-eyed Greedstein’s guiding Torah laws where doing business with the goyim – or other Shylocks - is concerned.

The stark admission – made by the bank's chairman at the end of a more than nine-hour marathon interrogation session before the US Senate’s Bankster Investigation Hearings – came in spite of his ridiculous and hypocritical assertion that "At the end of the day I think people trust us" as he tried to fend off accusations that Gold in Sacks was solely responsible for inflating the US housing bubble until it went ‘Pop!’ like a third-hand condom and kick-started the cataclysmic global recession.

Sorry Lloyd, but stupidity aside, people do not trust you – that’s why the SEC are after your fat kikester ass and you’re bollocks deep culpable in the eyes of this Senate investigation.

Senator Seymour Wankenberg told the veteran bankster that he "wouldn't trust" Gold in Sacks as he repeatedly asked whether the bank would disclose its position "when they're buying something you solicit them to buy, and then you're taking a position against them?"'

"I don't believe there is any obligation" (to tell investors), Greedstein arrogantly responded. "I don't see why we should have to tell them. It’s like gambling at a casino – hit and miss – unless you’re psychic.”

Earlier in the day, Fabrice Tourettes – the moronic French-born Gold in Sacks ‘By Hook or By Effin’ Crook’ department trader also accused of fraud by the SEC – swore – several times - on a mixed stack of Bibles, Korans and Torahs that he was personally unaware of any inaccuracies or fraudulent tampering and alterations – including forged insertions – into key documentation relating to the $1 zillion bucks toxic debt parcel at the heart of the fraud allegations engulfing his employer.

However Tourettes did confess “Hey, so okay, these effin’ poxy documents wot I submitted to those twats runnin’ the bank's mortgage capital committee on the dodgy Abacus 2007 derivatives could kinda have been a bit more accurate – but then no bugger or their effin’ dog would have bought any of the old shit, now would they, duh?”

In a series for the Shit Scared Channel the renowned astrophysicist Professor Stephen Dorkins announced that in his qualified opinion, it was "perfectly rational" to assume intelligent life exists elsewhere – outside of the university and college classrooms and lecture halls.

However the crippled academic warned that aliens from outer space, while possessing technology far in advance of our own, might not be benign towards humanity and may well not even be nice people at all – bearing indiscriminate animosity towards dogs and cats – and even Koi carp. While aliens almost certainly exist, humans should avoid making contact, he forewarned.

"We only have to look at ourselves and the fubars and snafus that have manifested in Iraq and Afghanistan since the Israeli false flag jobbie on 9/11 and then reflect on how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn't want to meet – for example reptiles akin to Tony Bliar or Dubya Bush."

Prof Dorkins concludes that rather than actively trying to communicate with extra-terrestrials, we humans should do everything possible to avoid contact - warning that aliens might simply raid Earth for resources – land here and empty entire Pestco Greedy grocer supermarket chains then move on – much as human colonisation and empire-building has done throughout the entirety of history’s passage..

"If aliens from another galaxy decide to drop in for a visit then the outcome might just be much the same as when Columbus landed in America, which didn't turn out well for the Native American Indians as we all well know if we allow our stifled consciences to ever remind us.”

“You know, we’ve all seen Roswell and Independence Day – and that movie last year with Klaatu and the nano-roaches eating everything in sight. Just imagine if something like Predator turned up on our doorsteps and decided they needed a new bloodline source for their slave workforce back on the Planet Knobhead – ten light years away - pretty much like we did in Africa to source a ‘minimum wage’ workforce for the cotton, sugar and tobacco fields of the New World.”

A National Sexpress bus driver has been suspended after a passenger used a cellphone camera to film him reading a magazine while driving at 70 mph along a dual carriageway in Smegmadale-on-Sea with a load of passengers on board.

The passenger, who wishes to remain anonymous (Mrs Rita McTwatt of Grassers Terrace, Snitchborough – who just happens to be one of Smegmadale’s elite Community Enforcement Moron Squad volunteers), filmed the National Sexpress (West Dorklands) driver steering with his elbows and nose while holding a soiled copy of the Dirty Desmond brand ‘Three Holer Naughty Nurses’ porno’ magazine in one hand - and his exposed semi-erect male member in the other.

Mrs McTwatt took the film footage of the driver reading after getting on the number 69 bus at Selly Kuntt Cross last Monday morning, bound to attend her regular weekly Common Purpose NVQ1 course in ‘Civic Duty Tittle-Tattling’.
“There he woz,, elbows on the wheel an’ a porno’ mag’ in one hand an’ this floppy weiner in the other – it were like a penis – only smaller.”

National Sexpress spokeswoman Ms Tekem Orloff informed one reporter from the Daily Shitraker that “swift corrective action" was taken against the driver after the company’s HSE department had been made aware of the footage being posted on the SpewTube video sharing website.

Ms Orloff informed the media that “immediate measures had been taken to suspend the driver who will now face further disciplinary action – apart from having his girlie porn’ mag’ confiscated by management.”
"It is not appropriate at this stage of the company’s disciplinary procedure to predict the outcome but an incident of this type is very likely to lead to a really hard smack on the wrist and the rescinding of tea break privileges.”

Jacko Bogbrush, head of road safety for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, told Pox News there was "no excuse" for reading any book or a map – especially gorping at a porn’ mag’ and jacking off whilst driving – even if there was bugger all traffic around.”
“Mind you, yer can’t blame the lad as it does get bloody boring driving a damn bus around all day."

One innovative motorist has blamed a UFO for his failure to pay a parking fine, according to a news release from south London’s Scumdale Hamlets Council press officer Ms Candida Quimsky.

Apparently Frank Numpty, the car driver in question, was so ‘shocked and awed’ by what he saw, he drove into a bus lane to avoid a collision with the large flying saucer which was hogging both the middle and outside overtaking lanes of the urban highway, according to the parking appeals he lodged with the council’s Traffic Violations Department.

“I mean, I nearly shit me pants, so I hopped outa the motor as yer do an’ went inter the chippy opposite until the effin’ UFO had fucked off home ter Planet X like – then when I goes back there’s an effin’ ticket stuck ter me front screen.”

Another motorist nicked for illegal parking turned up at the council’s offices kitted out with a borrowed Labrador, dark glasses and a white stick and declared he was colour blind and thought the yellow line was green.

Other inventive reasons given to the council over the past two years for illegal parking have included: "It was raining. I thought I could park anywhere if the weather was bad."

Another driver, Yobber Smith, who spoke with a Cockney accent, swore on their cat’s life that he was actually a Polish immigrant, declaring "I did not know what the yellow lines meant – honest.”

However, going one better on the Stupidometer, Jacko Scrunt, an unemployed tomcat strangler, claimed “We was parked up all proper like , even though it was dark, and we sodded off inter Doggers Woods fer a shaggin’ session an’ we was only gone like half an effin’ hour at the most - an’ when we gets back there was this parkin’ ticket on me windscreen.”
“Fer phuck’s sake, we weren’t gone long – it were only a bit of slap n tickle – an’ a quickie knee-trembler.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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