Tuesday, 18 May 2010

IMF Scrooges: Tax Baby Food with VAT

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In a typical meddlesome intervention to try and avoid the Greek Tragedy bankruptcy epidemic going global and the proverbial arse dropping out of the Euro until it’s the equivalent worth of ‘sweet fuck all’, the International Monetary Fund have ordered the UK’s all-new pubic school-educated Prime Minister Posh Dave Cameron to use this summer's emergency Budget to raise VAT on a host of excluded products, including food, children's clothes, prescription medicines - and condoms - which will doubtless lead to an unwanted baby boom sexplosion of Biblical proportions and toss the eugenics movement’s population cull agenda all to shit - unless couples are employing the ‘suck n swallow’ or 'back passage' contraception methods.

The official ‘diktat’, signed by career French kikester Monsieur Gruppenfuhrer Shylock Strauss-Khuntt, the IMF's managing director, stated: "There is substantial scope for improving the revenue performance of the VAT in all EUSSR member countries by eliminating exemptions and reduced rates on the peasantry’s medicines and baby clothes."

Strauss-Khuntt maintains one of the best ways for the coalition Libservative government to raise money and repair the public finances fucked up royally by thirteen years of Labour mismanagement - and two Scottish Chancellors - would be to remove the zero-rate that excluded a number of subsidised goods – such as recycleable diapers, baby formula, coffins, pacemakers, deaf aids, Zimmer frames, geriatric elastic ankle socks and DIY suicide kits - from VAT.

Although the IMF's demands, published in a comprehensive survey of shagged-out public finances around the world, was less eye-catching than the pair of boobs on today’s page three of the gutter press red top Daily Shitraker, it would potentially have a greater impact on the price of goods, and on a UK family’s living standards – already diminished to that of Third World basket case status.

The IMF’s report added that despite having the highest levels of petrol duty anywhere in the known Universe, Britain could afford to bump up fuel taxes a tadge more and squeeze the wallets of the struggling proletariate car drivers until they drip blood – or the said peasants get totally tossed off with the situation and execute a long overdue action replay of the French 1789 ‘Quantative Easing’ cake versus bread exercise – or the 1917 Russian version of the same ‘wealth redistribution’ programme – plus give Brussels and the EUSSR the big finger and run the country as an autonomous collective.

The IMF reccomendations have further fuelled suspicions that silver-spoon aristocrap Chancellor Georgie Osborne will raise a series of taxes, including VAT, on guinea pig and hamster food, at the emergency Penny-Pinchers Budget which is due to take place within 50 days.

However, career civil service mandarins who still retain a modicum of common sense and watch their own arses, suggested that the Treasury should leave the exemptions alone, warning that increasing VAT on zero-rated items would affect the finances of lower income families in particular and probablt kick start a revolution that might see the entire elite membership of the plutocracy and oligarchs sharing the same tumbrel to the gallows – or guillotine – whichever hurts more.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

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