Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Libservative Peers to Dominate Lords

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

According to a front page article in this morning’s Parasite’s Gazette the newly-invested Libservative coalition government are set to pull a Trompe l'Oeil political coup by announcing their strategy to reshape the House of Lords, which is currently dominated by Labour scumbags, to reflect the vote at the general election that resulted in Posh Dave’s Tories and Mick Clogg’s Librarian-Dummercats achieving a joint 59 per cent majority.

While none of Labour’s 211 existing peers can be removed by constitutional nor legal means – and with MI5’s dirty tricks department assassins bogged down attempting to silence a wide variety of whistle blowing civil service altruists with blunt gardening penknives in secluded areas of Oxforshire’s peaceful Grassy Knoll Woods, the coalition are left with no alternative but resort to appointing dozens of its own ‘insta-peers’ to rebalance the upper chamber.

Lib-Dum estimates suggest that the number of Tory peers would need to rise from 186 to 263 and Lib-Dum peers from 72 to 167 – which works out at quite a few mongrel-gened parasites climbing aboard the Second Estate gravy train – plus the cost of an extension cobbled onto the arse end of the Palace of Westminster to fit every twat in.

Hence Posh Dave and his partner in crime Mick Clogg, exercising their conjugal rights, will have to create a minimum of 162 new peers to ensure that controversial legislation gets passed through Parliament's House of Conmans and not bushwacked by the remaining 258 dour-faced whingeing Labour MPs who will now, for their past sins, be cursed to man the opposition benches, alike Der Fliegende Holländer, until Hell freezes over.

Potential Conservative peers include the former Tory leader Michael Howard who currently remains hospitalised after being attacked by a gang of yob burglars at home last week, who upturned his coffin and drove a stake through his chest. Fortunately, due being born without a personality, Howard survived the incident with a minor case of indigestion.

The Lib-Dums too will be handing out the glittering prizes to their party stalwards and worthies. Rumours abound that former party leader Charles Kennedy will become Baron Pisspot, while Ming Campbell, who actually joined the original Liberal Whigs in 1859, will be bestowed with the title Lord Skeltor of Peking.

Gossip and canards that infamous tax exile and Tory donor Lord Cashcroft will be elevated to Crown Prince of the Turks & Caicos Islands have been quashed as ‘utter rubbish’ and scandalous lies being spread by Alastair Campbell to stir up shit and cause problems for the coalition.

Continuing in the same vein of rebuttal, it is further denied by Downing Street that Mohamed Al Fayed will become either Lord Wind Turbine or Baron Brown Envelope - nor receive a complimentary British passport – sponsored through the Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme and specially cloned for the occasion by Mossad.

The coalition’s acting press secretary Ms Beverly Titwank – a Roedean magna cum laude Lapdancing graduate and Grand Panjandrum of the Three Holers Society - told one gutter press hack from the red top Daily Shitraker “The controversial extradition order against cyberspace hacker Garry McKinnon has now been quashed in compliance of our earlier criticisms of Labour’s handling of his case."
"Hence, while he may be tried in the UK for his alleged crimes against US intelligence agencies, there is no substance to the rumour he is to receive a knighthood nor a life peerage and this story he will be awarded the Department of Defence UFO medal and be proclaimed Lord McKinnon of Planet X is simply preposterous.”

As outgoing Prime Ministers are entitled to draw up a resignation honours list bestowing peerages and lesser kudos on anyone that could drop them in the shit for past crimes and misdemeanours, Gordon Broon is reported to have composed his ‘Lavender List’ awarding pensioner Gillian McDuffer with the title of Baroness Bigot of Rochdale as a placebo for his recent insults and calling her an ‘old bat’.

Labour’s ‘Rosencrantz and Guildenstern’ – Alastair Campbell and Peter Scandalson - are expected to be recognised for their services, with Campbell to be titled Baron Backstabber of Spin. Scandalson, already enobled by Gordon as a ‘Vermin in Ermine’ member of the Upper House, will receive the Most Ancient Order of the Shits and doubtless continue to behave in the manner of a proverbial tomcat testing the myth he has nine lives.

In addition, Labour’s porcine former deputy PM, John Prescott is expected to be endowed with the honorific of Baron Punchy or Lord Two Shags of Gluttony.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If Paddington Bear shits in the woods, can he assume the title of Lord Crapper of the Copse?

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

No comments: