Monday, 24 May 2010

Super Oddborne Swears to Solve Debt Crisis

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Libservative Coalition Chancellor ‘Boy George’ Oddborne has accused the previous government of being "totally irresponsible" as an audit of the nation's finances gets under way with hundreds of accounting types tallying up the bundles of IOU’s, half-pennies and farthings left lying around in the Treasury building cellars.

In an interview with the Bean Counters Gazette, Mr Oddborne revealed officials were finding all sorts of "very emaciated skeletons in various cupboards" left by Labour – resulting from their frantic last ditch attempts to disguise the extent of their fiscal mismanagement and shore up the basket case economy to provide senior civil servants mandarins with their expected annual performance bonuses for making a total phuck of things wholly beyond their scope of intellectual understanding.

Well, what can anyone expect after two porridge wogs – Gordon ‘No Mates’ then Darling Alastair – neither of whom ever got a GCE O-Level in Maths - have been in charge of the nation’s piggy bank since 1997.

Oddborne’s announcement comes as the Treasury is set to scrutinise all dodgy spending decisions approved by Shitehall this year and launch the novel Office of Budget Responsibility which is to be staffed by career-orientated self-harming scapegoat types.

This new watchdog will begin its own financial review and utilise the high resolution 24/ infra-red cameras of the KH-12 satellite system, terrestrial nano-technology and a series of strategically deployed electron scanning microscopes fixed to cellphone antenna towers and digitally-linked to Google Earth to detect any instances of economic growth in the UK’s socio-industrial base – which so far this year have only been identified in the prohibited narcotic substances market.

Oddborne, the zillionaire heir apparent to the Bodgeford & Noseberry clockwork hedgehog manufacturing empire, is expected to apply this information in place of the usual error-prone Treasury predictions using the old ouija board, for next month's emergency Penny Pinchers Budget that cynics predict will see VAT and other forms of stealth taxes – particularly on-the-spot fines - levied on rear end flatulence, orgasms, fresh air, unpruned house plants and overweight tomcats.

Before becoming bogged down in this ridiculous power-sharing coalition with the blue-nosed Tories, the Librarian Dummercats had argued that spending cuts should be delayed until 2025 so as not to totally piss off the unemployed proletariat and kick start a nasty revolution.

Conversely the Tweedledee weds Tweedledum same sex marriage (read Wenlock & Manderville) Wonderland coalition deal compelled them to sign up to the immediate budget reduction plan, regardless of the political risks of ending up riding in one of anarchy’s tumbrels.

Later this week, the Lib-Dum’s Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Ronnie Jaws, will meet cabinet colleagues to devise a strategy where the forecast £6 zillion quid’s worth of budget cuts will fall so as not to end up inciting general strikes and bank-burning mobs as per the current Greek Tragedy model.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

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