Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
To round off a very bad week in which his party lost the General Election and now have to sit on the uncomfortable seats in Parliament for the next five years, former Labour minister Stephen Timms has suffered the ‘slings and arrows of outrageous fortune’ and proved the maxim true that if it wasn’t for bad luck he wouldn’t have any after being stabbed in the manner of a ‘pincushion’ at a constituency event in east London on Friday afternoon.
Timms, the 96-year old MP for East Ham & Eggs, is being treated for his wounds at the Royal London Hospital’s mortuary. His initial injuries are not said to be life-threatening but press hacks were observed running a book and taking bets on the MP’s chances of survival owing to the hospital’s abysmal record-breaking cases of MRSA, gangrene, mange and the ‘dreaded lurgy’.
Mrs Glenda Slagg, a 15-year old mother of three, was arrested after the attack on Friday afternoon at the Asbo Central Library in Scallydale, where the MP holds a regular surgery.
Metropolitan Police spokesman PC Arthur Fuctifino told reporters that the weapon used in the attck - a knife - had been recovered - from the MP’s back.
“A member of the radical Yobettes girlie gang has been arrested for her part in an armed assault on the person of Mr Timms, who was repeatedly stabbed during the attack which took place while he was unfortunately not wearing the HSE-prescribed 'warzone' body armour.”
The mental status of the female attacker has yet to be determined but it has been tittle-tattled to members of the gutter press that she ‘was on a mission to draw blood’ according to petitioners attending Timms’ surgery.
A certain Mrs Candida Mingerot of Scallydale’s Sink or Swim Council Estate told a journalist from the Headbangers Gazette “This bitch wiv the Croydon facelift hairstyle comes in stinkin’ of effin’ meths an’ fags an’ starts gobbin’ off about how the election had resulted in a ‘hung Parliament’ an’ cos she didn’t have a rope she woz gonna slash Timms’ throat fer him and chop his bollocks off cos the DSS had stopped her Jobseekers allowance an’ welfare benefits as she woz always pissed and stoned outa her effin’ head – an’ the social workers had snatched her three kids as well.”
The media have been quick to remind us how dangerous MPs’ surgeries can be by recalling the attack some years previously on Morton Hogg, the Lib-Dum MP for Gruntford Junction. Hogg needed more stitches than a Cabbage Patch doll after being lambasted with a samurai sword by Norman Ninjisu, a disgruntled sushi chef at the local Toyota car factory canteen who had recently been made redundant.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.
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