Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Afghan Bomb Disposal now ‘Too Dangerous’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Ministry of Defence has this morning announced the resignation of the Army's top bomb disposal officer due fears the job has become simply too dangerous and is no longer anywhere like the gung ho ‘blow shit up’ fun it used to be.

Colonel Ghengis McTwatt of the 21st EOD Big Bangs Battalion told a reporter from the Warmongers Gazette that he was quitting as bomb disposal work had become bogged down due the mandate of compliance with the EUSSR’s latest HSE Risk Assessment procedures.

“Believe me, the entire shebang has got dangerous with a capital D due asinine HSE regulations and now there’s far too much pressure on the Army to produce more bomb-disposal specialists for Afghan deployment to replace all the ones that are getting blown up each week.”

“The recruitment offices are hard pressed to source the usual self-harming suicidal types that normally step up for this kind of work and we’re not allowed to go round recruiting volunteers from prisons and lunatic asylums any more.”
“It hasn’t helped matters that anti-war protesters have been adding graffiti to our recruitment posters bearing the message that ‘the definition of a volunteer is someone who has totally misunderstood the question put to them.”

The Daily Shitraker defence correspondent Candida Titwank writes that the resignation is in part motivated by fears that pressures on the Army to comply with the latest EUSSR ‘Warfare for Dummies’ manual and attached HSE regulations on how to fight the threats from roadside bombs has led to soldiers being sent to the front line with less training and relying on the risk assessment forms – instanced by such instructions as: Has it gone bang yet? Is there smoke coming out of it? Have you tried throwing stones at it - poking it with a long stick – or kicking it?

Colonel McTwatt further commented “The last batch of recruits they sent us were a transfer mix from the 14th Scallies & Asbo Regiment’s Hopscotch team who had no idea what bomb disposal entailed. Private Lenny Scrunt was actually observed stood over a suitcase-sized IED bomb in Bellend Province and hitting it with a claw hammer while shouting “Fer fuck’s sake go effin’ bang yer useless piece of Taliban shit!” when it must have heard him and did precisely that.”

In response, and perhaps too a ’cover-your-arse’ move, the new Libservative Minister of Defence Liam Poxx told a reporter from the Body Bag Review that innovative steps were being taken to recruit more soldiers for IED disposal work.

“The Army has begun to offer £50,000 bonus payments to top bomb disposal soldiers willing to sign on for another tour of duty in Afghanistan and treble their risk of getting blown to bits in a bid to ease the manning pressures on the units already deployed.”
“Further to this I have commissioned a scheme inside Afghanistan with the UK Commander of NATO’s ‘Operation Enduring Genocide’ to start an advertising campaign to recruit members of the Taliban to our IED teams – and who better as they’re the one’s building and planting the nasty roadside bomb thingies.”

“They’re being offered an attractive package of tax-free salary in British pounds with an index-linked pension scheme and a flock of goats on completion of five years service.”
“I mean to say, three hot meals per day, a cosy barracks billet and running water – now that has got to be better than living in caves and having to wipe your arse with a bunch of thistles.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If a bear shits by the roadside will a bomb disposal squad come and poke it with a stick before they ‘scoop de poop’?

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