Sunday, 2 May 2010

Fined for Reversing into Own Driveway

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

According to a front-page article in this morning’s issue of the Daily Shitraker the world has gone totally mad, with the lunacy manifesting itself in the everyday dealings of the UK’s traffic management and legal systems.

Arthur Fuctifino, a 96-year old retired tortoise polisher, was issued with a £60 quid ‘pay or die’ fixed penalty notice - plus three points slapped on his licence when informed that he was committing a traffic offence for waiting on the zigzag markings of a pedestrian crossing outside his home at Twatford-on-the-Wold in Phuckborough.

Mr Fuctifino explained to Frau Grupperfuhrer Rita Mingerot, the Community Enforcement Officer who fined him, that he had pulled into the side of the road and was waiting for a break in the late afternoon’s heavy rush hour traffic to reverse onto his property, but was slapped with the fine and three points regardless - and further informed it was oldies like him,- whingeing and complaining – and well past their shelf life - who were causing the UK’s protracted recession.

Recession responsibility aside, Mr Fuctifino spit his proverbial dummy and appealed the traffic ticket at the West Twatford Magistrate's Court before Ms Chlamydia Mingerot (not relation). However the court upheld the fine and now Phuckborough Crown Court’s residing judge, Recorder Candida Mingerot, (no relation) has turned down his right to appeal the ridiculous charges in a higher court.

His barrister Ms Sue Fleecem QC, of Upshot, Pisspot & Bagrot opined to the court it ‘offended common sense’ and further stank of ‘nepotistic collusion’ that Mr Fuctifino had been fined and his appeal denied – with the situation bordering on the ridiculous when a person was not allowed to reverse into his own driveway.

According to the Magistrate’s Court records, Community Enforcement Officer Mingerot, who was recently assigned to ‘police’ that area by the local council’s traffic consultancy quango Renta-Moron, informed Mr Fuctifino that he could have driven forward into his driveway but he countered, with logic aforethought, that reversing out onto a main road went against the Highway Code’s regulations and would have put himself and other road users and pedestrians in danger.

Recorder Candida Mingerot concluded with the statement “We accept that Mr Fuctifino has intended to conduct his driving in a manner designed to mitigate any inconvenience or danger to other traffic but that does not afford him an exemption under the all-new EUSSR road traffic regulations.”

Speaking with a gang of hacks from the gutter press outside the court building, Fuctifino declared “I never had no problems in the past and used ter reverse up me driveway every night when I came home from work."
"Now these stupid twats have come along an’ painted a pedestrian crossin’ on the asphalt outside me house so I’ve got ter pull up on top of the stupid thing’s squiggly demarcation lines every time I drive in or out. How’s that fer our local council’s highways department plannin’ skills, eh? Bloody jobsworth dog wankers, the lot of ‘em.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel.

Thought for the day: If a bear shits on a pedestrian crossing will it get an on-the-spot – or an ‘off-the-pot’ - fine?

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