Sunday, 23 May 2010

Broke Lotto Lout Seeks Binman Job

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A notorious National Lottery zillionaire from Twatford-on-Sea says he wants his job as a Scallydale binman back again after pissing his fortune up a pub wall. Lennie Slugg, of Downhill Runne Lane was 14 when he won £9.7 zillion quid on the lotto in November 2002.

The 24 stone porker, who once had the body of a Greek God now has the greasy look of a bankrupt Greek restaurant. Slugg, dubbed "Lennie the Lotto Lout" by the gutter press red top tabloids because of his life of petty crime, collected the 2002 jackpot cheque from Scamalot’s London offices while wearing handcuffs and accompanied by his probation officer.

Interviewed by Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr for the BBC’s ‘Born Losers’ programme while in a queue outside the Scallydale Jobcentre Plus offices last week, Slugg admitted that he had spent £2 zillion quid of his lottery fortune on cocaine but added he was seriously thinking of quitting drugs.

“Yeah, no bullshit, I donated £1 zillion quid ter the Viv Nicholson Spendthrift Memorial Fund then blew at least £3 zillion quid on wine, women and song as well – plus all me barrister's fees an' fines - and probably squandered the bleedin’ rest. I need ter get some effin’ money comin’ in, don't I? No fucker or their dog can keep on going on as I ‘ave bin – livin’ on £60 quid a week jobseekers allowance after doin' the life of Riley."

Slugg claims he really would prefer working outside to leaning against a pub bar all day – especially so since he’s now broke, but added he needed a course of NHS-funded liposuction to get rid of his beer belly and triple chin before he could start hauling garbage bins around again.

However, Beverly Titwank, spokeswoman for Crapford Environmental Services, which runs the Scallydale refuse service quango contract, told a reporter from the Wheelie Bin Gazette "We are not recruiting for operatives in the area right now. Further, since Mr Slugg gave us the finger without notice that Monday morning in 2002 things have changed quite a bit around here. We no longer employ ‘binmen’ per se but Recycling Technicians – so Lennie the Lout needs to get his arse on a minimum of an NVQ 1 course to get the necessary diploma to qualify for a job."
“Seriously, most of our operatives are now university graduates with Ph.D’s in Carbon Exchange Technology.”

Reflecting on Slugg’s helter-skelter lifestyle since the Lotto win, when he was jailed for nine months in 2006 for admitting affray and assaulting several people at a Christian concert with a fully loaded wallet, causing a compound fracture to one man’s sense of dignity, the former binman had at that time 420 previous offences recorded since 2002.

Two further ‘achievements’ in the notoriety scheme of things included having his name entered in the Guinness Book of World Records for being issued the most Asbo’s (62) ever to a teenage yob, and additionally presented with the Daily Shitraker’s ‘prestigious ‘Knobhead of the Year’ award.

In light of the above Slugg was later ordered by Scallydale Magistrates Court to attend anger management classes after threatening a fellow train commuter in the Pullman dining car with a smoked salmon sandwich and pelting the Rattle Track security guards with handfuls of pate de fois gras, vol-au-vonts and orange blancmange from the smorgasbord buffet table.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

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