Friday, 21 May 2010

Political Correctness Idiocy Hits Courts

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A senior magistrate who described two teenage boys as "absolute scum" for vandalising Smegmadale Cathedral and buggering the verger has been warned he could face disciplinary action for his imprudent remarks.

Sir Ghengis McTwatt, a retired Royal Tomcat Strangler and magistrate of 30 years standing (plus 5 sitting down) has been removed from his post as Chairman of the Bench while the Judicial Office of Communications ‘Political Correctness Compliance’ department conduct an investigation into the incident.

The magistrate severely castigated the two 16-year-olds when they appeared before his bench at the Smegmadale youth court following their arrest for causing £18,000 quid’s worth of damage.

Police charges maintain that the teenagers, who cannot be named because of their ages (Jacko Scrunt and Wilf Fuctifino – both of Scally Hamlets Housing Estate) gutted the cathedral’s roof of its lead flashings, ripped out the copper lightning conductor cables, wrote sexual and racist graffiti on prayer books, crapped all over the altar then wiped their arses on the vestments, pissed in the font then buggered the gay verger – reportedly against his will – although he now refuses to press charges and in the true spirit of Christian charity, has forgiven both the junior sodomites for their transgressions.

On sentencing them during Thursday's hearing Sir Ghengis reportedly stated for the record "This court is disgusted by the wanton destruction and actions of gross defilement you have jointly caused with these unprovoked, mindless acts. It is little wonder the public at large consider you absolute scum."

While Sir Ghengis claims his fellow magistrates totally agreed with his comments and imposition of sentences of fifty lashes and ten years hard labour apiece, Ms Fellattia Titwank, the Clerk of the Court interceded at this point and not only objected to the harshness of the sentences but also to McTwatt’s critical description of them being ‘absolute scum’.

Apparently a war of words then erupted with Sir Ghengis emphasising that “A couple of hundred years previously the crime of sacrilege would have been punished by flaying, then being burned at the stake - now, according to your misguided philanthropic concepts and notions all we can say is you’ve been very naughty and slap them with an Asbo.”

Undeterred, Ms Titwank then referred the matter to the Judicial Office of Communications who ordered an investigation into McTwatt’s courtroom manner and martinet conduct. Their review of the offender’s sentences resulted in them being reduced to an unpaid 25 hour Community Service work apiece and a restraining order imposed that prevents them from going within 50 meters of a church – or a verger.

Meanwhile, across in the High Courts of Justice, a judge who described UK immigration policy as "a complete balls up" has been disciplined for making inappropriate remarks during a court sentencing.

Judge Hector McTwatt’s (no relation) comments at the trial of a Jamaican man at Scumborough Crown Court last month were investigated by the Office for Judicial Complaints, whom concluded that his comments "represented an inappropriate judicial intervention in the political process".

In their report the OCJ ruled the judge had displayed a most racist attitude in his comments to the accused by referring to him as a ‘dreadlocked golly’.
Rastus O’Dinga Chuckabutty, a Jamaican illegal immigrant, was jailed for life after pleading guilty to charges of possessing cannabis, heroin, and cocaine, kidnapping, arson (three counts), rape (two counts – male and female), carrying a machete and an unlicenced firearm, possession of a cloned Israeli passport and driving away a vehicle (police patrol car) without the owner’s consent.

While summing up the charges and passing sentence the local red top Daily Shitraker reported that Judge McTwat told the court: "Your case illustrates all too clearly the completely lax Borders Control and immigration policy that exists in this country when Rastafarian fuzzy wuzzy scallies like you can sneak into Britain playing your tribal Reggae music to avail themselves of the generous welfare benefits that exist here – and take advantage of our poor drug addicts."

The Office for Judicial Complaints has now reviewed Mr Chuckabutty’s case and due Judge McTwatt’s politically incorrect statements causing gross offence to the prisoner to the extent he was unable to sleep following the public admonishment and sought psychiatric counselling after developing self-harm and suicidal tendencies, his sentence was rescinded and a Community Service order of 50 hours imposed in its place.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

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