UK Citizenship ‘English Test’ Unfair

In today’s Enhanced Bullshit edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to a report just published in Beijing’s prestigious tabloid daily - 'The Cockle Picker’s Gazette’ - more than a third of foreigners wanting to make Britain their home failed to pass citizenship tests.

The 45 minute test on British society, history and culture is a crucial step on the road to being allowed to settle permanently in the UK and acquire full citizenship.
However, of the 906,464 foreign types who took the test in 2009, 263,641 failed miserably, while 387,429 managed to scrape through by the skin of their teeth.

Those with a score rate below 30% came from the United States – a major source of new UK arrivals since 9/11 and the re-election of Dubya Bush, the passing of the Patriot Act and the abolition of Posse Comitatus – with the main red neck immigration deluge occurring when the Kenyan bloke with the forged Hawaiian birth certificate was inaugurated as the 44th President in January 2009.

Of the 40,200 displaced Iraqi refugees who sat the exam only 23% could operate a ball pen, with 78% complaining – via an interpreter – that the test paper was in English and an offence to their human rights – most of who left in a huff, threatening to call their lawyers back in Baghdad.

Those from other non-EUSSR countries with high levels of migration to the UK performed better, including Nigeria whose applicants all arrived wearing England World Cup shirts and handing out 419 Club membership brochures.

Citizens of English-speaking countries such as the Pacific’s Cook Islands tended to do best in the 24 question multiple-choice exam – especially on the topics concerning Captain Cook and celebrity chefs such as Jamie Oliver, Marco Pierre White and Gordon “Fuck the lot of yer!” Ramsay.

Several countries achieved pass rates of 100%, although the very small number of candidates tended to skew the results as per the singular entrant passed, whereas the Christmas Islands copped for a 100% fail rate, thanks to the frustrated efforts of its sole applicant who had never heard of Santa Claus, reindeer, mince pies – or snow.

Similarly, there were some very low pass rates from countries with a handful of candidates sitting the test - five out of the six French Guyanese who sat the test failed, giving them a pass rate of 16.7%. However this was put down to the fact they had got on the wrong train in Marseille and boarded the Eurostar, crossed the Channel and ended up in Blackpool while thinking they were actually in Paris and applying for a snail farming licence.

The Home Office's Life in the UK Test is required for settlement or indefinite leave to remain in the UK and full British citizenship.
The test must be completed on ‘a computer’ at one of the eleven test centres around the country – which has proved a stumbling block for a legion of Third World applicants who have not only never seen a computer but also never been to school or even heard of electricity.

Introduced several years ago by Home Secretary David Blindgit and his faithful sidekick Sadie, the test is designed to sort the wheat from the chaff – as the country has enough already – and help new arrivals hoping to make Britain their home to integrate into British society - and not form up into sneaky cabals of disaffected Jihadis hiding under burkahs and planning to blow up our prized democratic freedoms simply because the local chippy’s curry sauce sucks.

The Citizenship Test covers issues such as Britain's Constitution, what a Scot wears under his kilt, who does what in cricket, the meanings of ‘Foul’ and ‘Offside’, what fish can be found in Britain’s canals and where dialects like Geordie, Brummie, Scouse and Cockney originate.

More practical matters deal with British laws that prohibit even consensual sex with farm animals – especially sheep. Other topics include the minimum age to buy, alcohol, tobacco and condoms - and what services are provided by local authorities – such as facial botox treatments, breast enhancements and free abortions.

According to the Home Office website, "studying for and taking the test will give you the practical knowledge you need to live in this country and to take part in polite society by getting a job and paying most of your minimum wage salaries in taxes.”

Passing the citizenship test demonstrates the candidate has "a sufficient knowledge" of the English language for the purposes of applying for Jobseekers Allowance, how to cash a DSS Giro, claim maternity allowance - and legal aid when arrested by the police for poaching carp and roasting the Queen’s swans.

Have you applied for British citizenship? Can you tell your arse from your elbow? If you already know who put the T in Britain then who put the CUNT in Scunthorpe?

Send us your answers using the online reply form below and you could win a fortnight’s holiday in Belmarsh Immigration Prison (single cell with en suite and Sky TV).

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

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