Thursday, 27 May 2010

Fergy the Lurgy Strikes Again

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Residents of Sewage Lane are protesting after their south Manchester community was held up as an example of "Broken Britain" by the makers of a ‘Libel Week Expose’ documentary.
Sarah Ferguson, the now-infamous money-grasping mercenary Duchess of Pork, is reported to have found drugs, crime and a lack of community spirit during her trip to the Septic Moor sink or swim housing estate in Scumshawe – and was further recorded – a la Gordon ‘No Mates’ Broon fashion – telling her cameraman “It’s more like ‘Fucked Up Britain’ than Broken Britain – chocker full with gun-toting illegal pikey immigrants and knife-weilding gangs of gollies.”

Some residents have been angered by the publicity for the programme and say they live in a safe, family area which is a big improvement on living in Fallujah, Iraq or the Gaza Strip.

Chantelle McSlagg, a 15-year old mother of three, who was born on the Septic Moor Estate told one gutter press reporter from the red top Daily Shitraker tabloid “Fergie the Dreaded Lurgy comes down ‘ere wiv’ all her posh chat an’ shit an’ sez how she’s really doin’ the programme ter kick start the government inter improvin’ all kinds of social stuff then she goes and runs us all down inter the ground an’ exposes how we fiddle the welfare benefits an’ shit like that wot we told her in confidence like.”

Chantelle’s next door neighbour Beverly Titwank, accompanied by her pre-op’ transgender brother Fellattia, both declared that people were "up in arms" at Fergie’s duplicity and lack of discretion.

Ms Titwank opined “The porky twat’s nowt but a bloated slapper what behaves like a three hole crack whore when she’s had a few meths breezers wiv us down the Pikeys Arms pub – then she ends up on her back in Scumshawe Park turnin’ suck an’ swallow tricks fer a coupla drags of some yob’s bifta.”
“Hey, I’m not jokin’, it’s no effin’ wonder Prince Andrew fucked the ranga bitch off.”

In publicity material for Channel 7’s ‘Libel Week Expose’ programme it was claimed the dumpy Duchess had spent ten days on the Septic Moor Estate in Scumshawe "to try and understand the problems of ‘broken Britain’. "This was me talking to stupid commoners and peasants; me trying to galvanise and inspire and empower all the drop-outs who go hapring on and whingeing about change to get off their lazy arses and do it themselves."

Residents angered by the trailers were holding a ‘sit down and get pissed’ protest this weekend on the 270-acre Scumshawe Park, which borders on the Septic Moor housing estate.

Chantelle McSlagg, tightening her Croydon facelift hair-do to erase her wrinkles, spit the dummy in expressing her anger at the television advert for the programme, ‘The Duchess Does Asbo Central’.

“The ginger mingin’ twat woz gobbin’ off about how we’re all effin’ retards on jobseekers and DSS benefits cos’ were all too effin’ stupid ter find work and how we’re all alkies and druggies and chew nails an’ spit rust an’ clean the windows wiv kittens or next door’s tomcat.”
“Then she sez that if any of us pay the rent two weeks in a row the Plod Squad comes round ter investigate where we got the money from – and that’s just so much bullshit cos the cops don’t dare come around here – even in broad daylight – cos one of the gangs would have their bollocks fer trophies.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If a bear shits in the middle of Scumshawe Park would anyone notice?

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