Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Scandalson Plots EUSSR Backstab Coup

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

One swift sideways glance at the gutter press’s shit-raking news sheets this morning and it’s easy to see Lord Peter Scandalson (aka Vermin in Ermine) is up to his old back-stabbing and scheming tricks again – king-making and puppeteering to get his slimy little creature - Foreign Secretary David Millipede – set to move into a position of influence inside the EUSSR’s HQ in Brussels - otherwise he’ll be reporting to the local Jobcentre Plus to claim unemployment benefit on May 7th following Labour’s prophesied devastating election defeat and being out of collar.

As for Poofter Pete himself, obviously he’s going to be out on his ear as well – as when the Tories move into Downing Street they already have shit-loads of proven career scumbags to take over as Business Secretary – with most – unlike Scandalson - safely neutered of the grasping ambitions to usurp their Boss.

According to the front page headlines of the Scumsters Gazette, in keeping with his shifty Machiavellian habit of fucking with anything that can be fucked with - simply to cause trouble - M’Lord Scandalson is plotting the downfall of the EUSSR's Foreign Affairs supremo – the ranga-haired Baroness Trashcan of Upyours – aka Ms Catherine Margaret Trashcan – a predatory female of the species whose prominent incisors and generally fucked-up dentistry have equipped her with the ability to eat an apple through a tennis racket.

A British Labour politician and former coal-heaver, Trashcan was made a life peer in 1999 by the New Labour government. In 2008, she succeeded the dodgy Scandalson as Commissioner for Trade within the EUSSR heirarchy.
Ms Trashcan was later appointed Leader of the House of Lords and, in that role committed treason and confirmed her status as a traitor to the British people when she personally steered the wholly fucked up Treaty of Lisbon through the Upper House.

In December 2009 Baroness Trashcan became the first official to take on the newly enlarged High Representative Foreign Affairs and Security Policy role for the EUSSR as created by the Lisbon Treaty.

Conversely, Lord Scandalson’s Whitehall dirty tricks department have been working like a squadron of little Trojans on undermining the Baroness’s credibility since her name was first proposed for the post and he was passed over as unacceptable – totally vetoed – by other EUSSR- member state representatives as ‘simply too slimy by far’ who recalled his past House of Conmans dealings when he was MP for Faggotpool and too from his time as Brussels' Trade Commissioner.

Scandalson, alike the pariah-status Alastair Campbell, has been long viewed as a political meddling nuisance regarding media spin, and kick-started the slanderous rumour that the ginger minger Baroness is this month’s centrefold pin-up in Crackwhore magazine - plus had raised money for her past political campaigns by hosting illicit 'Shag-a-Hog Fundraiser' nocturnal dogging sessions at Minge End Woods in her Wankershire constituency.

The dodgy news reports suggested she was 'on the verge' of resigning from her £328,000 quid-a-year job because of constant criticism and the fact that she was forever out of her depth – not knowing shit from Shinola.

She was viewed as a compromise choice and since criticised for not being able to speak French (Que?) and for failing to have full command of her briefs.

Further, and to the chagrin of many, Lady Trashcan apparently committed a major political / diplomatic faux pas for failing to visit Haiti after the US HAARP-inflicted earthquake struck last January – as did every other politician and their dog from across the known Universe out for a photo-shoot opportunity and get a foot on the gravy train - as per Hilarious Rodent Clinton and her sleazebag hubby - the Artful Draft Dodger Billy Boy.

In her defence, the Baroness’s EUSSR team claim that Scandalson started the Trashcan resignation rumours and an entire Chinese whispers campaign by leaking the story to the notorious gay front Italian newspaper La Slagaroffi - run by disaffected career back-biters - in the full knowledge that it would be followed up in Britain – and hopefully intimidate her into resigning so the EUSSR Foreign Affairs and Security Policy role could be handed to David Millipede.

Conversely Scandalson is spitting the proverbial dummy after Sir Irwin Bogbrush, chief aide to the Baroness, went onto the offensive and traced the entire ‘dirty deeds’ episode straight back to the Business Secretary’s desk – and his pc’s IP locator code - informing one reporter from the Daily Shitraker that ‘Vermin in Ermine’ was a smarmy scumbag who should have his title amended to Lord Backstabber (or Shitstabber) – and his juvenile libellous attack on Baroness Trashcan read like a badly-scripted episode of the Elizabethan period series of Blackadder.

If, by some weird quirk of Fate, Labour do get re-elected (and Hell freezes over on the same day) then Millipede’s departure from the British political scene to Brussels would clear the way for the scurrilous Scandalson to become Foreign Secretary – a post he has been pissing his pants for since 1997 so he might walk in the shadow of his grandfather Herbert Morrison – the Labour Foreign Secretary of the day when intelligence underlings Maclean and Burgess took off for Moscow – and Philby soldiered on spying right under his very nose – along with several other establishment-entrenched Red Moles.

To conclude, as another of Baroness Trashcan’s canny aides informed Pox News: 'When I saw the report I immediately thought “Ello, ello, ello – Poofter Pete’s up to his old tricks again. This perfidious piece of calumny has his shitty little pawprints all over it.'

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

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