Squaddie’s War-Phone Helpline Inundated

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Cpl Ron Scrunt, a 17th Royal Asbo Rangers sapper who lost both his feet last September in Afghanistan while playing hopscotch in a Bellend Province minefield for a bet, has set up a ‘Samaritans’ style 24/7 helpline and call centre for vet’s and battle-fatigued soldiers, claiming more than 8,000 troopers deployed around the Afghan theatre have been in contact in its first three months of operation.

Cpl Scrunt established the ‘Shit-me-Pants’ helpline following his own struggle with post traumatic stress disorder – and single-handedly trying to find a use for several pairs of boots and shoes – and his fleece-lined carpet slippers – plus an untold number of odd socks.

Scrunt related to a reporter from the Warmongers Gazette that one of the first incoming calls he received after establishing the helpline was from an 15-year-old lad wanting to know why his Dad – serving with the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment around the Kandahar’s ‘Opium Central’ - was ‘fucked up like a soup sandwich’ and used to hide under the stairs when he came home on leave – shouting “Incoming!”

Cpl Scrunt had previously criticised the Ministry of Defence for the way it deals with military personnel suffering trauma - offering no useful advice to squaddies ringing up from the Afghan battlefield or when back in the UK – apart from to purposely put them on hold and play excerpts from Chopin’s Piano Concerto no.2 Op.21 in F-minor - until they got fed up and threw the phone out of the nearest window in frustration.

Scrunt, a Smegmadale-on-Sea resident, launched the website in January with his best mate Knobber McClogg – an ex-sniper with the 25th Catapult Battalion now suffering from PTS and several other nasty disorders picked up in a Kabul brothel - and since then he has received letters, emails, telephone calls - and even SOS distress signals from the Afghan battlefront asking for advice and help on all kinds of matters – even for ‘urgent reinforcements’ and an ‘air strike’ after the MoD switchboard was shut down over the Easter Bank Holiday weekend.

“Some of the lads just call up to have a cry on me shoulder type of thing, yer know cos they get lonely out there wiv the Taliban sniping at ‘em an only a few goats ter talk ter keep yer company like, if yer gets me meanin’.”

“Anyway some of it’s constructive stuff as well like yer know – when yer get asked ‘Can yer go online immediately if not sooner an’ Google up how the fuck ter diffuse an IED bomb wot’s got all the wirin’ an’ electrics marked up in effin’ Pashtu’ – an’ we did too but then there woz this effin’ great big bang an’ the line went dead.”

“But it’s not all blood an’ effin’ guts, yer know. Cloggy got a call off one of the lads assigned ter the 19th Gardening Brigade in Bellend Province a coupla nights ago askin’ him “How often are yer supposed ter water opium poppy seedlings? Really, we gets all kinds of questions thrown at us – like wot’s good fer depleted uranium poisoning?”

“We had a few of the lads ringin’ up an’ tellin’ us how horny they woz out there tryin’ ter fantasise about them women in burkahs, an’ how they’d got fed up shaggin’ goats. So we got young Fellattia, the barmaid down at the local Rat an’ Pikey pub, ter do a coupla nights on the switchboard an’ cheer the blokes up wiv a spot of sexy chat.”

“Anyways, we’ve now got Felly an’ her mate Chlamydia on the phones every evenin’ – mannin’ the 0909 Renta-Wank numbers at a quid a minute - so that’s bringin’ in a few bob too – all at the MoD’s expense of course. In fact it’s turnin’ out ter be quite a nice money-spinner as we received a big parcel of refined heroin last week from the lads guardin’ Opium Central as a bit of a ‘thank you’ gesture fer lettin’ Fellattia an’ Chlamydia do a live webcam lezbo stint ter cheer 'em all up.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.