Monday, 31 May 2010

Libservative MP’s Expense Fiddle Exposed

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

So, here we go again. The Libservative Coalition, while only infesting Downing Street and Shitehall for a couple of weeks, have got themselves embroiled in yet another expenses scandal weighing in at £40,000 quid and besmearing the already dodgy reputation (sic) of their Chief Treasury Secretary David Laws.

Lib-Dum MP Laws has apologised sincerely for breaking the 11th Commandment (Thou shalt not get found out) after the Daily Shitraker revealed he had been claiming MPs' expenses to rent rooms in a home owned by his partner – which Laws promised he would immediately pay back – a staggering amount believed to total what banksters and poverty-stricken peasant types refer to as ‘lots and lots of money’.

In his own (damning) defence Laws claims his motivation was not one of greed or to make a nice little £40,000 quid earner on the side for himself but to keep the relationship with his male partner private, and to avoid stepping out of the wardrobe revealing he’s a raving poofter.

Prime Minister Posh Dave Cameron informed a reporter from the Fiddling Gits Review that he had ordered Laws to refer himself to the Parliamentary Standards Commissioner for a sound telling off and to get his bottom spanked.

Since 2006 Parliamentary rules have banned MPs from "leasing accommodation from a partner" as it constitutes a blatant rip-off from the public purse.
The Daily Shitraker revealed that the Lib-Dum cabinet minister claimed up to £950 a month for eight years to rent rooms in two properties owned by his partner, James McFudger.

Laws claimed to sub-let a room in a property owned by McFudger at Cottagers Hamlets, south London, between 2004 and 2007. Apparently Laws' partner sold the property in 2007 and bought another house nearby – in Gay Gordon Street.
The Twatford-on-the-Wold MP then began claiming expenses to rent ‘rooms’ in the property - an arrangement that continued until September 2009.

In a statement to the Parliamentary Standards Commissioner, MP Laws admitted falsely claiming expenses for the costs of sharing a home at Cottagers Hamlets with Mr McFudger from 2001 to June 2007.

Laws statement reads "At no point did I really consider to be in breach of the rules which defined a partner as 'one of a couple - who although not married or civil partners are living together and treat each other as spouses for the purpose of penetrative sex and tax assessments'.

"Although we were living together we didn’t treat each other as spouses - for example while we do sleep in the same bed and play the beast with two backs, we don’t share toothbrushes and indeed have separate social lives as I like to flaunt myself in the cross-dressing clubs and wine bars while Jimmy enjoys a bit of rough around the docklands pubs with the yobs and scallies.”
"However, I now accept that this was a pile of bullshit and will immediately pay back the costs of the rent and other housing expenses I claimed from the time the rules changed until August 2009."

Sir Armitage Shanks, the chairman of the Committee on Standards in Public Life, voiced his surprise that the details had only just emerged, stating "I'm a genuinely shocked that somebody who is now Chief Secretary to the Treasury is faced with disclosure of this nature when he’s been lying through his teeth to the people dealing with expenses in the House of Conmans.”
"Given the expenses farrago of the past couple of years with duck islands, porno DVD rentals, triple tinted toilet tissue and Polo mints, the fact that it has come to light now when he is a key part of a coalition government would be a sufficient cause of shame for a Japanese politician to commit ritual seppuku."

One of the Librarian Dummercats negotiators who hammered out the coalition deal with the Tories, Laws then joined the Cabinet as a key member of Chancellor ‘Georgie Boy’ Osborne's team of slack-jawed ‘Horrah Henry’s’ – where, ironically – and now to his undying embarrassment – it was he who compiled and announced the list of cuts government departments would have to execute under the coalition's initial £6.2 zillion budget blitzkrieg on "Wasteful Spending".

The 44-year old Laws was educated at the prestigious independent Catholic institution of St Sodoms College for Latter Day Catamites at Bummerstone in Kent, followed by a sojourn at Old Queen's College, Cambridge, where he gained a double first in fudging.
A former City bankster, Laws succeeded Lord Cashdown as MP for Twatford-on-the-Wold in 2001 and rapidly rose to prominence in the Lib Dum’s Masonic inner circle for his ability to touch his toes and ‘take it like a man.’
As one of the main Lib Dum negotiators in the forming of the governing coalition he quickly discovered common ground with the Conservatives in certain areas – especially where ‘male bonding’ was concerned.

Conversely, while the Parliamentary Standards Commissioner, Posh Dave Cameron and Lib Dum boss Mick Clogg might be satisfied with Laws repaying the felonious expenses, his Twatford electorate have been shocked by the recent revelations.

Mrs Beverly McSkank, an 18-year old mother of five, of Doggers Wood Lane, in Laws’ Twatford-on-the-Wold constituency, told a reporter from the Guttersnipes Gazette “Oh yes very nice, when yer pick up the morning paper an’ find out that the MP yer voted for in the election’s a ravin’ poof wot shags other blokes - an’ Mister Sticky Paws Laws has bin helpin’ himself ter the petty cash ter the tune of £40,000 quid.”
“I though all this shit had bin sorted out after the last expenses scandal wiv duck islands an’ stuff.”

“Hey, don’t get me wrong, I’m not bein’ homophobic or owt like that. It’s not a problem wiv me, even though the Bible sez they’re an ‘abomination’, if these faggot types prefer the smell of shit ter the taste of pussy.”

To conclude, Laws has denied the rumour he boasted, in a James Bond style clichéd response, to news his expenses fiddle was now public knowledge and the press were ready to pillory him: “The name might be Laws – but they don’t apply to Cabinet Ministers.”

Hmmm, unfortunately they do and Posh Dave has informed Mick Clogg in no uncertain terms to get the thumbscrews out and have Laws’ resignation signed, sealed and delivered before Monday.

Bye bye Mr Laws, try the Labour Party round the corner. They seem to be employing plenty of crooks and losers.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

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