Cameron & Broon’s Campaign Trail Bollocks

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

As part of their usual ‘say any bloody thing to get votes’ strategy, the Tories have announced they will be only too happy to accommodate the ‘botty-porking’ subspecies segment of our society and ‘consider’ making same-sex marriages legal - if they all vote Tory and the party gets elected, shadow chancellor George Poofbourne informed gay rights activist leader Guido Faggarotti.

Poofbourne met gay rights demonstrators including Rupert Twatchell ahead of a protest outside the Conservative election HQ by the Equality for Bum Bandits and Rugmunchers campaigning group.

Mr Poofbourne confided that the Tories had a long history of being closet Marmite miners from their sodomistic upbringings at public schools and then on into the arse bandit infested cloisters of Whitehall’s civil service – where interns spent the first year of their indentured service on their knees under a desk providing blow jobs and prostate masages to the gaylord mandarins.

However, Twatchell declared that a commitment simply to ‘consider’ the case for reform was meaningless and as much use as tits on a fish.
Conversely, the Civil Partnerships Act already gives gays and lesbians the right to the same legal treatment across a range of matters as married couples – apart from walking up the aisle together – and getting divorced.

Regardless, the Tory Fuhrer, Posh Dave Cameron, commented to one reporter from the Fudgepackers Gazette that he thought it a spiffing idea to get all these ‘iron-hoofers’ and ‘muff munching’ oiks married off to each other – and sod what the Bible – or that homophobe dickhead Chris Gaything - says about them being a abomination that shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a respectful B & B.

“Well, why not – it’ll be a kick start to my population control programme anyway, and solve the birth rate explosion if it’s going to be a country full of men buggering each other – and the split-arsed dykes doing whatever they do to each other with priapic vegetables and so on. Now that type of behaviour’s not going to result in any baby booming generation again is it - with an epidemic of unscheduled pregnancies to cater for in our social engineering policy.”

Meanwhile, at the opposing end of the political spectrum, Labour leader Gordon ‘No Mates’ Broon has by far surpassed and capped the Conservative Party’s faux pas alienations of voters efforts by dropping his second major bollock of the week.

Since his calamitous ‘Meet the Peasants’ walkabout round rancid Rochdale on Wednesday, where he chatted with a 96-year old grandmother, Mrs Gladys Muffrot on the subject of swan-roasting Albanian pikey immigrants, before getting into a car and voicing the disastrous ‘bigoted old bat’ comment, Gordon and the New Labour Battle Bus went down to Smegmadale-on-Sea yesterday where his campaign handlers yet again screwed up royally by continuing their blundering ‘blue skies’ tactic of prevailing upon the misanthropic Broon to mix with the public at large.

As the hapless PM stood outside the local Pound Stretcher outlet, glad-handing the peasants and pontificating on the inherent evils of voting for the Tories - or the Librarian-Dummercats - Frank Rotten, younger brother of deceased Sex Pistols rock star Johnny Rotten, egged on by seditious members of the gutter press, walked up and said “Put it there matey, nice ter meet yer.”

Broon, his face visibly straining to produce the required smile, extended his hand then looked down and reeled back in revulsion at being presented with a festering stump – crying out for all to hear “Piss off yer leprous Sassenach twat!” - then stuck the nut on the prospective voter before hurrying away to the secure confines of the Battle Bus, muttering curses and oaths in his cryptic Gaelic tongue.

Ms Fellattia Gammer, Labour’s PR spokeswoman, was quick to point out to the media “Gordon was deliberately set up by his political rivals – what other type of reaction do you expect when caught unawares by a leper proffering his septic stump of a hand to be shaken.”

Lord Peter Scandalson, (aka Vermin in Ermine), speaking to Fux News following the televised event, opined “Really, Gordon did the right thing as knowing his strong caber-tossing grip and enthusiastic handshakes he might well have done the chap considerable damage and ripped his entire necrotic arm off. This was a set up by press hacks from the opposition, but don’t worry – I recognised their faces and know where they all live.”

Conversely the press and media had a field day, coaching the putrefying Frank Rotten on the statutes of the Equal Opportunities Act then interviewing him about his disastrous Prime Ministerial encounter.

“Wot a load of bollocks eh. All I wanted ter do woz shake the bloke’s hand and he calls me an effin’ leper an’ sticks one on me – bastard porridge wog – I’m votin’ fer the BNP now.”
“I’ve got me effin’ rights too – that’s disability discrimination refusin’ ter shake me hand an’ sayin’ I’m a leper and unclean an’ all that Biblical sterotypin’ bullshit – very politically incorrect when wot I’m sufferin’ from is Hanson’s Disease.”

What would you sooner do – shake hands with a leper or ‘No Mates’ Gordon? Do you believe in equal rights for homosexuals? Would you shake hands with a gay leper? Would you allow your Fundamentalist Christian B & B to be turned into a fusging leper colony?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If a gay bear with festering paws arrived at your B & B with its same-sex Paddington look-alike partner, would you refuse to put them up for the night and risk official condemnation – or simply say “sod it” and let them bugger each other silly?

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.