Monday, 12 April 2010

Gumby Greek Sues Swedes for Turkish Slur

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

Kostas Malakas, a 69-year old facially-hirsute Greek gentleman is suing a dairy in Sweden for 50 million krona for using his image on pots of Turkish-style yoghurt, according to a report in the Slandermongers Gazette.

Mr Malakas, a retired mullet strangler, only found out his moustachioed face featured on the containers of Turkish Yoghurt produced by Smegma Creameries of Uppsala when his wife Skatoula brought home a tub of the oleaginous dairy crap and informed him “Yo, Kostas you shit-for-brains hairy twat – you’re famous at last.”

The CEO of Smegma Creameries, Norburt Noggson, informed Pox News it had come as a shock when Mr Malakas lodged a 40-page legal complaint saying that the company had infringed personal privacy by using his image without permission and further caused ‘psychological distress’ by publicising the misleading image as he had no links with the evil heathens of Turkey.
Noggsen told the media his company was not responsible as the Stockholm-based advertising agency Pirate Pix had supplied the photograph and arranged all the new labelling for their new Turkish Yoghurt product line.
“This moustache man must be suing Pirate Pix – not us. What does he think, suing us for 50 million krona, that we are going to pay off Greece's national debt?”

However Flanders Pisstoffsky, manager of Pirate Pix claims “We wanted a typical hairy-arsed Turk for the label so we sourced the piccy from a photo agency library that had it filed under ‘Istanbul Moustache Competition winner’ - so we assumed that everything was in order as he does look like a Turk – even if he says he’s Greek.”

Conversely Mr. Malakas, whose championship sideburns and moustache set are usually trimmed once a month by the local council’s gardening and topiary department, told Fux News “I have never been to Turkey or entered any ‘Moustache Competition’ so they denigrate my dignity by saying I am a dirty Turk pikey.”

For the edification of readers unfamiliar with the turbulent Byzantine and Ottoman history of the Balkan regions, Greece and Turkey regard each other with outright hostility and still squabble over which half of Cyprus belongs to whom like two terriers having a tug-of-war with a dead cat – and have further been at each other’s throats since the Dawn of Time – if not before.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If a bear shits in the woods around the Olympus National Park and there’s no-one around from the Elliniki Gendarmerie to see it, will Turkish tourists cop for the blame?

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