Friday, 9 April 2010

Scotland Vies for World Suicide Capital

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry on the bloodline of the sons of Belial.

Frustrated at having lost its place as the world’s murder capital some years back to the likes of Columbia and Rwanda, Scotland is now competing flat out like a lizard drinking with Japan, Finland and India in an attempt to claim the dubious title of the world’s suicide capital.

Self-snuff cases across England have recently dropped regardless of the continuing recession and 90% of the public being unemployed and homeless, since the date of a general election was announced for May 6th and people know they can finally kick the hackneyed lying Labour Party out of office and perhaps – just perhaps – elect a government that occasionally tells the truth and doesn’t involve them in foreign wars.

Conversely the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money recently conducted a survey of the positive and negative factors concerning the national suicide rate and discovered that England was in fact far behind in the world record index as someone had erroneously included ‘assisted suicides’ in the official figures also - such as that of Dr David Kelly - and several other people the government preferred to keep their mouths shut concerning weapons of mass distraction.

In contrast, approximately two dozen (standard dozen – not baker’s) people a day in Scotland take their own lives and it continues to be a leading cause of fatality due the atrocious year-round weather - and the national breakfast staple diet being a bowl of porridge.

Research indicates that the majority of suicides North of the Border take place in the morning – usually while eating breakfast – and also just after someone has taken a peek out of the window and looks across the peat moors covered in heather - and sheep - and thus faces yet another day of freezing rain.

Public Health Minister Candida McTwat told a reporter from the Seppuku Gazette “Our helplines are working and saving lives, for when people ring up and tell us they’re contemplating suicide while eating porridge for breakfast, we advise them tae tuck inter a bacon sarnie or a sausage and egg barm instead.”

“But ye have tae be careful as we had one advisor tell a chap to stuff the porridge and have a haggis fry-up instead and he immediately stuck his head down the kitchen sink’s waste disposal unit.”

“We do realise Scotland can be a mite depressing weather-wise fer the lads if they take tae wearing kilts in the winter and suffer from the dreaded ‘tortoise’s head syndrome’.”
“In fact kilts come close to the top of the suicide causes list, along with tickly sporrans, the sight or smell of heather – and sheep, Ironspew energy drinks, bagpipe music, cabers, haggis – and porridge.”

“The only positive point with the suicide rate skyrocketing is the fact the mortality rate attributable tae alcoholic poisoning has dropped dramatically and we’re seeing a lot less deaths from liver failure due overdoses of Bitch Thumper and Old Headbanger lagers.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

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