Monday, 19 April 2010

Air Travel Ban: Labour Scheme to Win Election

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

The UK is experiencing its fifth day as a virtual no-fly zone – reportedly due to sulphuric ash drifting from Iceland’s Mount Whatafuckup volcanic eruption mixing with airborne clouds of super-heated CO2 and volatile bullshit rising from the various political parties scurrying around the country on their election campaigns.

This has left thousands of vacationing Brit’s happily stranded outside the basket case UK and unable to return to their everyday drudgery lives of work, eat, sleep – the occasional shag – and paying off the monthly interest on mountains of mortgage, credit card and bank overdraft debt.

Transport Secretary Lord Adonut dropped a double clanger while talking with hacks from the gutter press in Whitehall’s Ferret & Pikey Arms pub last night when, while one over the eight, he stated he personally wanted flights to resume as soon as possible but the ‘general election’ came first – quickly correcting himself with ‘safety must come first’.

Adonut then added: "The dust cloud forecast does not look much like clearing before the 7th of May," – then promptly passed out face-first in a smorgasbord buffet trough of festering guacamole dip.
Adonut’s verbal faux pas prompted the attendant pisshead journalists to start speculating that the flight ban might well be a Labour plot to gain an upper hand in the general election.

Lofty McTwat, the ‘Whistleblowers’ page columnist for the Daily Shitraker, called up one of his Ox-Rat contacts – the pro-anarchist snitch and grassers charity, who works as a computer programmer at the Triple Six National Depopulation Database - deep underground in the Cotswold’s top secret Scumborough Park establishment.

McTwat’s contact (Frank Bogbrush) - who spoke only on condition of total anonymity to protect his identity and avoid prosecution under the Official Secrets Act – revealed that 95% of all those stranded abroad are registered Conservative Party members and life-long Tory voters – with the remaining 5% a sad mix of ‘Don’t Know’s’, UKIP, BNP and Lib-Dum types.

Bogbrush further revealed that the ‘volcanic ash cloud’ scenario was a not-so-subtle ploy conjured up by Lord Vermin in Ermine – Business Secretary Peter Scandalson - and his Rothshite-controlled Whitehall civil service Mandarins to cripple Posh Dave’s chances of winning the forthcoming election.

This would be machinated by imposing the air travel ban – and any other transport ban they could think up – until after the general election - and keep the inept Gordon ‘Stalin’ Broon in power for a further four year term to totally milk the British economy drier than a witch’s tits, join the Euro currency zone and have the entire British peasant stock conveniently micro-chipped in the planned 2010 Winter’s ‘Sneezy Cat' flu pandemic vaccination campaign.

Apparently Scandalson’s cock-eyed scheme has involved arranging for legions of registered Tory voters selected by the Triple Six NPD computers to ‘win’ competition holidays abroad – even though they’d never actually entered – that had to be taken up before their May 6th expiry date.

However, the basic flawed mathematics of Lord Vermin’s Machiavellian scheme denote that the Tories are the only ones with a chance if it’s a three horse race.
Sans Tory voters – if all still stuck abroad - then a two horse race between Broon’s Labour Party and Nick Clogg’s Lib-Dum’s would result in Clogg winning hands down.

Further, a vote between Broon’s Labour Party and Screaming Lord Slutch’s Monster Raving Mad Looney Party, would see Lord Slutch would romp home.
If it came down to a choice between Broon / Labour and Satan’s Totally Phucked Up Armageddon Party, then that devilish old Satan would be on a sure win.

Okay, a big Sorrygramme to Gordon, regardless of the fact nobody voted him into 10 Downing Street in the first place, but his shelf life’s expired and he’s well past his sell-by date.

Have you been affected by the election campaign’s volcanic bullshit cloud? Have you been lucky enough to get stranded in some tropical paradise because of the air travel restrictions? Are you in Iceland – the country - not the supermarket? Can you see any volcanic ash clouds?

You can send your comments using the online form below but at no time should you endanger yourself or take any unnecessary risks like sticking your head into a volcano to see how hot it really is - or what it actually smells like.

Enter our online ‘Election Conspiracy’ quiz today and could possibly win a place on the gallows next to an MP of your choice in a forthcoming ‘Hung Parliament’ extravaganza.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

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