Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Local Council’s Nine Bins Madness

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

Warning: Persons finding any form of amusement in the following news article, or are caught laughing by CCTV cameras, face an on-the-spot fine of £100 quid and up to 250 hours of unpaid community service work – licking the insides of green and brown wheelie bins clean.

To comply with new EUSSR regulations regarding the recycling of domestic waste, households across the UK are to be instructed to separate cardboard from paper, and plastic bottles from glass, tins and aerosols.

The draconian regulations have prompted outbursts of fierce criticism, with people complaining that the scheme is too confusing and their homes do not have sufficient space to park the expanding numbers of different bins and bags – and it becomes a trip hazard scenario - and a time-consuming exercise to carry out the mandatory HSE risk assessments every time the kids have to walk down the wheelie bin infested garden path.

The new wheelie bin system due to be enforced on hapless residents by the Smegmadale-on-Sea County Council includes a silver slop bucket for food waste, which is emptied into a larger green outdoor bin – which then gets knocked over every night by feral urban-dwelling foxes and badgers – and the contents eaten by a variety of vermin whose gourmet appetites are stimulated by starvation.

As of May 1st there will be a pink bag for used sanitary napkins, baby daipers and knotted condoms (all colours and sizes), a blue box for green glass bottles, a green box for blue glass bottles and a clear plastic box for clear glass bottles. The presence of any other colour of glass bottle should be reported to the resident’s local Community Enforcement Stasi operative for correct proceedural disposal.

An orange bag will be supplied for kitchen foil, tins and aerosols, a dark green bag for thick cardboard and a light green bag for thin carboard (Vernier thickness guages will be provided - £14.95 inc VAT) - with wholly separate bright blue bags for paper and certain magazines – plus a black bag clearly marked ‘Over 18’s Only’ for porno mag’s, Page 3 cut-outs and other generalised wanking materials.

Clothing and textiles are to go in a white bag, dead pets and garden waste in a wheelie bin with a green lid and non-recyclable waste such as depleted uranium, cold custard and half-eaten tins of anchovies in a separate bright yellow wheelie bin clearly marked with the EUSSR’s toxic materials warning sign on all four sdes – plus the top – and bottom - for good measure.

If successful, the scheme – which is more rigorous than any previous recycling standards expected of households – is likely to be adopted by councils up and down the country and generate hunderds of jobs for wheelie bin Enforcement Officers and zillions of £££ quid in council revenue from on-the-spot fines levied against hapless old age pensioners who haven’t a phucking clue what’s going on.

Candida Muffitch, a 96-year old retired tomcat strangler told a reporter from the Anarchists Gazette that the houses on her terraced street had no gardens, but residents still had to find somewhere to put all the recycling boxes and large wheelie bins for domestic waste.

“I’ve had ter take me brown bin – the one fer dogshit and such like excretary waste - down ter me allotment – there just isn’t room in me back yard ter house the effin’ thing – an’ the rest of the bins and boxes an’ other assorted shit gets stuck in the bathroom cos these bone idle council twats only come round ter empty the effin’ bins every two weeks.”

“Fer fuck’s sake I need a bigger house and garden and yard to fit all nine bins, yet in the 1970’s we used ter get away wiv one binfull per week – an’ the binmen weren’t like the faggy jobsworth poofters yer have now – getting’ their measuring tapes out ter see if they can call up some Plastic Plod from Renta-Moron to slap yer wiv an on the spot insta-fine of £100 quid fer placing yer bin too close ter the kerb.”

Candida opined “I’m all fer recyclin’ but expectin’ us ter cope wiv nine different bins and bags is askin’ too much – it’s takin’ the effin’ piss in fact if I dare to be so out-fuckin’-spoken.”
“Why don’t they go an’ dump it all up in the Arctic if the effin’ icecap’s meltin’ so effin fast then the effin’ polar bears have got summat ter stand on an’ then they won’t git drowned like.”

Nazi Gestapo-style Wheelie Bin Plod Squads – from the quango security agency Renta-Thug - are now used across Britain to ensure recycling regulations are met, with the threat of £100 spot fines for those who overfill bins, leave extra rubbish bags lying around or put bins out on the wrong day.

Non-payment of the fines by pensioners and unemployed folks who simply don’t have any money can result in the culprits being taken to court, where they could be given a £1,000 fine – plus costs - which will then create a ten times worse debt scenario than the £100 they can’t afford to pay in the first place.

Perhaps, following the next social revolution, when all the gunfire and screaming has died down, and the guillotine’s blade’s been dulled to a blunt edge, and the unseasonable rains have washed the blood from Whitehall’s streets and Pall Mall and Parliament Square, some budding social-political history under-graduate will look back on the utter dystopic shambles that the EUSSR is becoming and wonder who the fuck was running the show in Brussles – or in Westminster - when it all went tits up – and quite possible conclude it must have been someone even dumber than Wiley T. Coyote.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Further allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel.

Thought for the day: Which colour wheelie bin is a bear supposed to take a shit in?

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