Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Pothole Sign Offends Council Jobsworths

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – providing living proof that April Fool’s Day has just gone – and compounded by the fact last month was ruled by the Mad March Hare.

Frank McTwat, a Smegmadale Hamlets ferret straightener, has gone loggerheads with local council jobsworths and Community Enforcement goons concerning a home-made sign warning motorists about potholes that he had nailed to a tree outside the family house on Great Crater Avenue.

McTwat, a 69-year old father of ten, erected the makeshift sign outside his house following an incident where his youngest son, Yobsy, 15, drove into one of the avenue’s potholes on his mountain bike, breaking both legs and smashing his electronic RFID Asbo curfew tag.

All available emergency service teams attended the accident, with the fire brigade having to deploy a network of ropes to rappel down into the offending pothole to rescue the injured teenager.

McTwat told a reporter from the Spelunkers Gazette “I stuck the sign up after Yobsy went a shitter inter the pothole an’ no bugger bothered ter fill it in an’ repair the road properly. The council sent some pikey twats down who obviously believe a job worth doing might be a job worth doing badly cos they come along an’ dumped a coupla truck loads of dirt into ‘em. Seriously, these pricks could fuck up a perfectly good anvil.”

“Next thing, as soon as we file a case against the local council’s useless highways department with our local ambulance chasing personal injury lawyer, then the council kick off and send a couple of their snitch an’ grasser thugs around ter make me take the sign down.”

"They reckons that the sign were a distraction but I pointed ter the potholes and said that they were too but they just ignored the fact. Bloody amateurs posin’ as professionals they were – I’ve seen better organised riots.”

Community Enforcement Officer Fellattia Gammer told Pox News “The sign could constitute a distraction for motorists as it hangs over the pavement, plus we’ve received complaints about it – from Mr. Gormless, the Director of the Highways Department.”

"We went to have a few choice words with Mr McTwat and he agreed to take the sign down. We didn't go in heavy-handed – well, apart from tasering the cat that was looking at us in a very threatening manner from on top of the garden shed."

Smegmadale Council’s HSE officer Chlamydia Slitcrotch, the type of career jobsworth who helped turn risk-avoidance into a artform, told Pox News "There was a complaint from a group of local residents that don't want to be identified – actually the Mayor and other members of the council chamber - who were quite embarrassed when it was suggested they were as much use as tits on a penguin.”

“Honestly, in this day and age of political correctness the public can’t come along saying out loud that our councillors are blighted with the Curse of the 4 C’s - Cronyism, Collusion, Corruption, and Complacency.”

“We believe the pothole warning sign constituted a case of harassment of a ranking public official – specifically Mr Gormless – so Mr McTwat received a caution for his anti-social anarchist activities.”

“Any further displays of rebellion against the democratically-elected council establishment could well result in criminal charges being filed and he might well end up with a heavy fine and a couple of months of unpaid community service work.”

“To wit, if he persists with this ridiculous personal injury claim to sue the council for responsibility for the injuries suffered by his moron son Yobsy, then he might just get arrested and charged with offences under Section 569, Article 815 (Potholes / Part 5) of the new EUSSR “Keeping Schtum Act” governing whistle blowing by members of the public. Believe me, we don’t take kindly to malcontent nit-picking critics around here.”

Conversely Mrs McTwat has posted the text of the Peter Principle on her Facebook page, which states: ‘In any hierarchy, elected officials tend to rise to their greatest level of incompetence.’

She further posted an album of photos of Great Crater Avenue’s road surface and duly informed several hacks from the gutter press over a round of tea and biscuits that “Some of these effin’ potholes are that deep we get teams of extreme sports fans here at weekend - like spelunkers going caving in ‘em an’ exploring an’ shit.”
“When we get any real heavy periods of rain then the kids fix a plank over one an’ use it for diving an’ go swimmin’.”

Highways Department Director Morton Gormless, a career moron who if his IQ were 5 points lower, he’d have to be watered daily, informed the Spelunkers Gazette that they had repaired 45,600 potholes around Smegmadale’s 28 roads since New Labour unfortunately sneaked into power in 1997.
He further stated that the Great Crater Avenue potholes were a "huge problem" but the authority had earmarked at least £20 to help fix them in 2010.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If a bear shits in a pothole does that constitute a £65 quid Slap-Patch repair job?

No comments: