Sunday, 11 April 2010

Are you too ‘Sick’ for a ‘Fit Note’?

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

Under freshly-introduced legislation dreamed up by the EUSSR’s Brussels-based Ministry for Wasting Time & Money and the Common Purpose social engineering group, doctors across the UK will no longer issue ‘sick’ notes to people who are ‘sick’ – that is either too ill to work or have sustained an injury or disability that prevents them from performing the complete functions of their normal job.

EUSSR spokeswoman Chlamydia von Mingerotte told one reporter from the Cormorant Stranglers Gazette “We simply can’t have people pulling sickies just because they’re sick and the community losing zillions of euros per year in taxable income. Good grief no, the whole place will end up like Greece if we allow that to happen.”

From the 1st April (coincidentally) UK workers who are off sick for longer than seven days will henceforth receive so-called ’Fit Notes’ instead of sick notes from their local GPs.

However the doctors will still be able to state that someone is not fit for work, but they will also now have to specify what aspects of their jobs workers can still perform – with the onus thus being thrust on employers to get malingering staff to return to work in some capacity or the other and not sit at home convalescing in comfort.

Ms von Mingerotte continued "If a GP decides their patient is capable of some form of work, for example if they've had a leg severed in a road accident, and they should temporarily avoid elements of their normal job – such as climbing ladders, then it will be down to the employer to be flexible enough to accommodate them with a type of work that only involves the use of one leg – like road testing crutches – or wheelchairs.”

Conversely Fellattia Gammer of the Royal Institute of General Quackery told a reporter from the Fuckwits Gazette that the scheme was fraught with dangers.
“Only last week one GP at Smegmadale-on-Sea filled out a ‘fit note’ for a patient suffering from a bi-polar disorder and manic depression, stating the employee could return to his place of work at B & Q but in the Gardening section and not in the hated ‘Paints’ department that was one pinpointed cause of his melancholy.

This change of venue was obviously unsuitable as the man suffered a funny turn and buried a spade in the store manager’s head – an unfortunate incident that has now been put down to being caused by some mix up in his medications.

A similar incident occurred at the Scumdale Hamlets branch of the Pestco Greedy Grocer supermarket chain where one ‘visually-impaired employee who was awaiting to undergo NHS cataract surgery and unable to continue working as a check out cashier was issued a fit note and given the job of driving a fork lift truck in the warehouse department – where he promptly ran over several co-workers before demolishing a pallet of strawberry yoghourt and a wall.

One welcoming ‘Greeter’ at the Spewford Shopping Mall went off sick with the dreaded Sneezy Pig flu in October last year and was issued one of the first trial stage ‘fit notes’ stating he was capable of performing his normal duties as long as he wore a surgical face mask.
This resulted in an outbreak of the Porcinella Gruntitis virus of epidemic proportions in the area that saw the entire Spewford area quarantined up to Christmas.

Jacko McScrunt, General Secretary of the Lazy Gits Union, told Pox News “I wonder if the stupid twat that thought this numpty scheme up is actually sane, never mind qualified to do the job?”
“Seriously, this is simply yet another totally fucked-up idea in a long line of totally fucked-up ideas.”
“If a bloke pulls a sickie, then he’ll be back in work the next day – once his hangovers worn off - or as soon as he’s got the gardening finished – or the Missus is happy with the decorating in the front room.”

Apparently members of the Institute of Ambulance Chasing Personal Injury Lawyers are already rubbing their hands at the prospect of all the ‘nice little earner’ cases bound to come their way now a GP is going to pronounce a ‘sick’ or ‘injured’ person well enough to perform certain aspects of their job while they are by definition ‘unfit to work’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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