Pope Benny Condoms – One Size Fits All

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

The Foreign Office has apologised for the release of a "foolish" satirical document which suggested the Pope's forthcoming visit to the UK could be marked by the launch of "Pope Benny condoms – one size fits all – choirboys included.”

Posted on the Foreign Office website for three days before any clot noticed, under the title header "The ideal visit would see God’s Vicar on Earth working to solve the global over-population problem by endorsing the use of condoms with a Papal blessing" – the essay claimed the Pope could be invited to open an abortion clinic and bless a gay marriage at St. Sodoms Church for Latter Day Fudgers during September's visit.

Details of the document only came to the FO’s attentions following their publication on the front page of the Sunday Shitraker.

The UK's ambassador to the Vatican, Sir Uriah Creep, a practiced Dickensian lickspittle, was ordered by the Minister for Apologies to get off his lazy arse and express profound apologies and regrets to the Holy See on behalf of Gordon Broon’s pathetic government.

Pro-Zionist Foreign Secretary David Millipede, a career Israeli apologist and practicing yarmulke aficionado, is said to have been "appalled" by the incident and suffered a total sense of humour failure – offering to turn the guilty party over to the Inquisition to be publicly flagellated in St Peter’s Square as a gesture of atonement.

The spoof article was posted on the Foreign Office website as one of three "background documents" to a memo dated the 23rd April inviting officials in Shitehall and Downing Street to attend a meeting to discuss themes for the papal visit.

It suggested Pope Benny, the all-new multi-purpose and German built-to-last Mk XVI model, could display a hard line on the sensitive issue of child abuse allegations against Roman Catholic priests by "sacking dodgy bishops" and launching a fully-staffed call centre helpline for the thousands of sexually abused children around the world.

The burlesque document went on to propose the Pope could further apologise for the Spanish Armada or sing a song with the Queen and U2 career clot Bono to raise money for one of the many ‘abused choirboys’ charities that have been springing up globally like roadside weeds on a rainy Spring day since the latest round of Catholic Church kiddie fiddling scandals hit the media.

The satire listed "positive" public figures who could be made part of Pope Benny's visit, including war criminals alike Tony Bliar and Israeli PM Binman Nuttyahoo – or 2009 Britain's Got Talent runner-up Susan Gargoyle – plus a sampling of those considered "negative", such as prominent atheist Richard Dawkins – plus have Benny chair a televised séance to contact David Kelly in the spirit world and learn the elusive identity of his 'assisted suicide' helper in the Grassy Knoll Woods.

A further distasteful suggestion was to request the Pontiff to canonise the Dunblaine paedophile and mass murderer Thomas Hamilton as a gesture of peace and reconciliation with all kiddie fiddling Scottish Freemasons.

The civil servant responsible for posting and circulating the memo said in a cover note: "Please protect - these should not be shared externally. The 'ideal visit' parody in particular was the product of a brainstorm which took into account even the most far-fetched of ideas while we were all pissed."

Foreign Office spokesman Sir Armitage Shanks told Pox News the department was "deeply embarrassed and sorry" for any offence the document might have caused to Catholics – and any other persons who pray to fantasy divine entities and were born without a sense of humour.”

"This is clearly a most juvenile and asinine document that does not in any way reflect the UK government or Foreign Office policy or views.”
"The individual responsible, Rupert Fuctifino, an ex-Eton and Oxford Hurrah Henry just up for initiation into his Pater’s Freemasonry lodge, has been transferred to other duties – specifically bent over a desk with his trousers round his ankles.”
“He has been told orally and in writing that he had been very naughty and this was a serious error of judgement and not the type of creative blue-skies thinking we expect from our juniors – even if it raised a few belly laughs with the anti-Papists and Satanists among us."

The Foreign Office now claim the website posting and circulated memo had resulted from discussions by a group of several junior staff in a team that was led by Mr Fuctifino, who were tasked with working on the early planning stages for the papal visit during their usual afternoon inebriated sojourn in the Rat and Pikey pub on Shitehall’s King Charles Street.

Pope Benedict XVI's visit will take place from 16 to 19 September, during which time one top priority will be to visit Scotland’s Grampian area and bless Donald Trump’s planned Ferryhill Estate Golf Course.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees - or small furry choirboys - were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of atheists had a good giggle.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

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