Tuesday, 6 April 2010

EuroPlod Squad are New Gestapo

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry on the bloodline of the sons of Belial.

Millions of hapless British peasant types face being snooped on by a new dystopian EUSSR intelligence agency comprised of jobsworth Guardianistas who have been handed frightening draconic powers to pry into every aspect of our daily lives with Stalinist zeal, using laws that are as far-reaching as they are bizarre.

EuroPlod has been given a clear mandate to access personal information on anyone comprising the common herd of sheeple within the pan-EUSSR zone - including their political opinions and sexual preferences – if it suspects, rightly or wrongly, that they may be involved in any “preparatory act” which could lead to criminal activities – such as double parking – or thinking of voting for UKIP at the next election.

Other such ‘activities’ will include not eating your ‘5-a-day’, cottaging, dogging and compound voyeurism - or contemplating a shoplifting session to ease the housekeeping burden – or simply scrawling a spot of derogatory graffiti on the local Town Hall fence.

The EuroPlod force in the UK will be further augmented by the Labour Party’s New Model Army of snitches and grassers that currently comprise the ranks of the bovinely-stupid Community Enforcement Brigade (previously Traffic Wardens) and the intellectually-challenged Police Community Support Goons Squad (previously unemployed yobs) – all kitted out with stab vests – and Batman utility belts festooned with radios, digi-cams, truncheons, handcuffs, tasers and pepper spray – and looking like a hybrid cross between a Ninja Mutant Turtle and the Stig.

This questionable gang of fuckwits will be snooping around the People’s Soviet Republic neighbourhoods, poking their noses over fences and walls like Chad - without notice or warrants - and with 1,208 valid Labour-generated official reasons to enter your home, workplace or land without your permission – which increase at a geometric rate of two per week - to check if you’re splitting the atom and building nuclear weapons of mass distraction in the garden shed – or testing chemical and biological weapons on the neighbour’s cat.

The federal agency will concentrate on expanding the Brussels-based ‘Triple Six Beast’ super computer’s database to include information on everyone and their dog present within the EUSSR’s borders – specifically casting opprobrium on persons with a past history of ‘political incorrectness’ or thought to be xenophobic or self-hating Presbyterians or anti-Semites or likely to commit a crime involving recyclable materials or global warming denial – and especially anyone who doesn’t possess a Prestco Greedy Grocer loyalty card.

However the vagueness of the Kafkaesque Hague-based force’s remit has sparked furious protests with anti-New World Order critics and conspiracy theorists warning that the EUSSR’s ‘Nosey Parkers’ threaten our illusory right to free speech – whatever that now represents.

Critics warn this index could next include covert monitoring of people who deny the existence of global warming or speak out on controversial issues such as the Aberdeen establishment’s Ferryhill Freemason paedophile ring, or the carbon credit cap n trade exchange scam, or the plight of the Palestinians in Gaza – or even make mention of the fact their own government is as much use as tits on a ladyboy.

Jacko McScrunt, chairman of the UK Anarchy First Party, told a reporter from the Totalitarian Gazette “We need to be very afraid. If you thought Gordon Broon’s Big Brother CCTV surveillance state was bad enough, at least we’ve got the opportunity to kick the useless twat out on May 6th – but we’re stuck with this bunch of EuroPlod Gestapo thugs until the EUSSR goes bollocks up in a few years time.”

Until recently EuroPlod was comprised of a simple common or garden bunch of cops, funded by various states to help tackle international disorganised crime.
However it has been rechristened as the official criminal and domestic terrorism intelligence-gathering arm of the EUSSR – with Brussels megalomaniac mandarins vastly increasing the force’s powers – and awarding recruits with index-linked pensions - for life.

EuroPlod can now target more than simply organised crime - with the burden of proof required to begin monitoring an individual downgraded to virtually zilch – a funny sideways glance as you cross the street or throwing the bird at a CCTV camera.

Campaigners have expressed concern over the vague list of “serious crimes” which the agency is now tasked to investigate, which include logging on to internet alternative news sites, eating muesli for breakfast, refusing to watch television or go to football matches – or vote in local elections – or owning more than one goldfish.

Among personal details that will be data mined and stored are behavioural data including lifestyle and routine; movements; places frequented, tax position and profiles of DNA and voice – and how many visits an individual makes to the bog in the course of a day.

Where relevant, EuroPlod will also be able to keep data on a person’s “political opinions, religious or philosophical beliefs or trade union membership and details concerning health and sex life – and what music they download to their MP3 – even what colour socks they wear.”

Conversely Home Office mandarin Sir Irwin Bogbrush insisted the changes were in Britain’s best interests. “EuroPlod’s expanded powers place the force in a much stronger position to identify anarchists and dissident types who don’t agree with our government – like the domestic terrorists who protest against the Bilderberg meetings and G20 Summit – and read the Daily Mirror.”

Hmmm, perhaps it is time, and again prudent, to remind all that 1984 was a ‘warning’ aimed to alert the common people to the rise of tyranny – not a blueprint for governments to develop and impose upon their populations.

Do you think George Orwell was right but just 25 years premature in his 1984 prediction? Would you like to join the EUSSR’s Thought Police? How about a career as a gulag guard in the Shetlands? Have you got what it takes to be a petty tyrant and a local council jobsworth? All you need to get your foot in the door and a begin a rewarding vocation in the all-new Gestapo organisation is an NVQ 1 in Snitch & Grassing – Theory & Practice.

Application forms are available at all Jobcentre Plus offices and Organ Donor Registration points. So go on, be a Euro-Patriot and sign up now - you know it beats working for Pestco Greedy Grocers or at McD's Chew n Spew.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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