Sunday, 18 April 2010

EUSSR Air Travel Chaos Due Election Bullshit Cloud

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

The gospel according to the UK Meteorological Office states that all flights in and out of the UK – and too around most of Europe - have been suspended due mega-clouds of ash from the volcanic eruption of Mount Wotafuckup in Iceland contaminating the atmosphere around the 25,000 feet level.

The EUSSR’s new totalitarian social engineering body EuroControl has stated up to 4,000 flights across northern Europe would be cancelled from Thursday due the volcanic ash cloud – and stop people flying off willy-nilly to enjoy vacations in tropical countries where the sun shines occasionally and thus spending their hard-earned savings in non-Eurozone Third World holiday destinations.

The UK’s National Air Traffic Control Service informed a reporter from the Daily Scaremonger that no flights would be allowed in or out of UK airspace before 1800 BST amid fears of jet engine turbine damage and windscreen etching from the dense airborne ash particles which are composed of rock, crystal, glass, pork scratchings and sand which would be sufficient to jam aircraft engines and cause what one aviation engineer described as ‘a right royal fuck up’.

However the Health Protection Agency were quick to issue a press statement declaring the toxic sulphur-dioxide laden ash did not pose a significant risk to public health because of its altitude – but advised anyone on high ground who encountered instances of ITS (Itchy Throat Syndrome) to stop breathing immediately and seek medical assistance - or the nearest undertaker.

Sir Morton Fuctifino, Minister for Airspace Restrictions, told Pox News that the current airspace restrictions were the worst restrictions to be enforced since the last airspace restrictions were enforced – during the 1940 Nazi Luftwaffe Blitz over London.

Conversely the Nobel Prize-winning meteorologist, UK-based Professor Branston Prickles, told the Propaganda Gazette that “This is simply not true that the atmospheric pollution cloud is being caused by Iceland’s Mount Wotafuckup volcano erupting.”

“While Mt. Wotafuckup is throwing a few tons of crap up into the air, we experienced a similar phenomenon in early 1997, just prior to New Labour getting into power, and now again this so-called airborne volcanic ash is nothing of the sort.”

“Actually it’s being generated by the tons of hot air and bullshit coming from the political parties running around the UK like headless chickens on their respective electioneering campaign trails – putting out countless metric tonnes of super-heated CO2 and bullshit each time they stop their battle buses to hold convocations and give a speech.”

“Believe me, while airborne volcanic ash can cause havoc to airplane jet engines it is nothing compared to the damage inflicted by toxic political bullshit – especially so that coming out of the Labour and Tory camps this past week from their prospective no-hoper candidates.”

“The US experienced the same confusion over airborne volcanic ash from the Mount Twatacoxy eruption in Northern Mexico that was blamed for causing the engine failures of a US Moron Air A-300B to crash over Crawford in Texas on November 2nd 2004 – which was actually once again a toxic mix of super-heated hot air and CO2 – coupled with airborne bullshit clouds being thrown up during the Diebold rigged re-election campaign of George Dubya Bush against his Democrat contender John Kerrygold.”

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If a volcano erupts in Iceland will it get blamed for causing the crash of the Tupolev 154 aircraft carrying the Polish President Lech Kaczynski and his party to Smolensky for the Katyn Massacre apology – even though it woz the FSB (KGB replacement) wot done it – by planting a decoy landing beacon in the woods to cause the crash?

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