Thursday, 1 April 2010

Bill ‘Hobbit’ Oddie Pops His Clogs

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – providing living proof that this has simply gotta be April Fool’s Day.

Obituary Column

Sadly Missed & Fondly Remembered

William Edgar "Bill" Oddie, OBE (07/07/1909 – 01/04/2010)

One of Rochdale’s favourite sons who achieved recognition through pursuit of a variety of careers – including window cleaner, tomcat strangler, author, actor, comedian, piss artist, busking musician, Hobbit impersonator and celebrity TV naturalist (clothed variety).

‘Bronco Bill’ Oddie will perhaps be best remembered by many senile oldie types and career wrinklies with a couple of memory cells still functioning as the short-arsed git in the BBC-sponsored triple tandem-pedalling team: the Woodies.

The 99-year old Bill was, alas, taken from us suddenly and cut down whilst still in the twilight years of his life last week when filming yet another action-packed adventure episode of Tales from the River Bank with veteran animal impersonator Hammy the Hamster.

Oddie, disguised as a Lesser Spotted Aardvark using the River Bank’s ATM, was viciously savaged and trampled to death by a herd of stampeding water voles – who were in the process of migrating to pastures new and bent wholly on mischief and mayhem by doing a run on the over-extended River Bank – thus resulting in economic chaos before the government could bail them out with a few zillion quid.

Bill is survived by his pet Greater Crested budgerigar Jacko, and razor-backed gerbils Mick and Montmorency.

Family, friends and viewers of Bill’s “Oddie Goes Native” programme are invited to attend the funeral service at the Twatford-on-the-Wold council landfill site where Bill wished to be laid to rest and join the harmonious accord of the carbon exchange cap n trade credits recycling effort.

Memorial contributions are welcome but please no flowers – apart from the edible types. Bill’s last will and testament requests all funerary donations be vegetable in form – and consist of brassicas, legumes, root vegetables, sweet gourds and hard fruits – which can be dropped off – with grateful thanks – at the Smegmadale Retirement Centre for Wayward Guinea Pigs.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumblebees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain significant portions of lunacy and / or squirrel. Further traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references might well be present.

Thought for the day: Did you know the Great Firewall of China can be seen from Cyberspace?

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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