Slackwater XE Merc’s Snuff Ghaban Madeupname

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

Ghaban bin Madeupname - Al-Qaeda Chief In Iraq: Captured, Killed, Never Actually Existed, Re-Captured and now Killed yet Again.

U.S. and Iraqi government jobsworths today called a press conference at Baghdad’s Ministry of Propaganda and announced that two of Big Al-Qaeda’s Jolly Jihad Regiment commanders had been killed in a dawn raid on their not-so-safe house carried out by Colonel ‘Piltdown Pete’ McPessary and his Cro-Magnon Squad of psychopathic mercenary thugs belonging to private military contractor Slackwater XE – and assigned to their scandal-ridden 23rd Genocide Battalion.

However, a major flaw in the story that seems to have been overlooked by the bungling bureaucrats is the fact that both Shitcake Ibn Zamel and Ghaban bin Madeupname have already been reported captured and killed on several occasions, with U.S. officials also having previously declared that bin Madeupname was a “fictional character” that was invented by Ibn Zamel himself – who was also unheard of by the CIA – or Al Qaeda - until he appeared in the award-winning You Tube 9/11 video sat next to some bloke who looked a bit like Osama bin Laden’s elder brother Frank.

Military sources state the deaths of the Jolly Jihad leaders in Iraq are estimated to disrupt insurgent attacks inside the country – while their slayings might well provide Prime Minister Zeenat Ibn Himar with a decisive political boost at a critical time when his popularity is on a par with that of a vasectomy clinic.

“The reported deaths of these terrorists is potentially the most significant blow to Big Al Qaeda’s terrorist cells in Iraq since Dubya Bush vacated the Oval Office to the Kenyan guy,” General Sheldon ‘Mad Dog’ Scumberger, the top commander of U.S. troops in Iraq, opined to a reporter from the Warmongers Gazette.

Bizarrely, one report in the Daily Shitraker pinpoints the location of the raid as a house in Ras al Twatte, a rural area fifty miles east of Baghdad that is regarded as a hotbed of Jolly Jihad activity.

Conversely the Genocide Review report quotes one moron from Slackwater XE claiming the raid occurred outside the rat-infested town of Shitrit – two hundred miles to the north.

However, that is perhaps the least of the problems surrounding the Ministry of Propaganda’s story.

Anyone with two brain cells still performing telemetry that reads these conflicting news reports might well be experiencing a profound sense of déjà vu as it is almost a year ago to the day that Ghaban bin Madeupname was captured by Iraqi security forces and then shot while attempting to swallow a suicide pill.

Ghaban bin Madeupname was the CIA’s replacement boogie man for Shitcake Ibn Zamel who was also previously reported captured and killed on several occasions then finally laid to rest for good – until yesterday - by the PR arm of the Pentagon in 2006.

Hmmmm, such are the powers of resurrection available to the devout Muslim followers of Islam. Thus folows a chronology of the life and times – and various deaths – of Sheikh Ghaban bin Madeupname:

The gospel according to his Hollywood-generated dossier, Ghaban bin Madeupname is the scion of a wealthy Jordanian flying carpet manufacturing family that supplied supersonic stealth fighter rugs to the Afghan Taliban in their conflict against the Russian forces in the 1980’s.

The eldest son of Sheikh Fizzy al Kaseltzer, his family own the hereditary grazing rights to every hotel reception lobby carpet in the Persian Gulf region.

Along with Shitcake Ibn Zamel - the only transvestite son of a Kurdish skateboard mechanic – Ghaban started his military training with Hezbollah’s Armoured Camel Squadron but his radical Islamist and anti-Zionist beliefs sparked support for Palestinian leader Yessir Marrowfat and his Gaza Gangsters, prompting the young Ghaban to join the Al-Fatah movement as a trainee suicide bomber in 1978, a redeployment that was rejected when he expressed doubts concerning the future career prospects and pension aspects of the job.

Joining the anti-Soviet Jolly Jihad rebels in Afghanistan in the 1980’s, Ghaban bin Madeupname quickly evolved into a really nasty piece of work and was hunted down and killed by Russian Speznaz forces at least seven times until he fled Kabul and turned up in Jordan.

Imprisoned in Amman for attempting to overthrow the monarchy and establish an Islamic caliphate, he was tried and sentenced to death in 1992. The first death sentence was carried out by firing squad later that year, with a second execution scheduled for early 1993, which bin Madeupname luckily missed by escaping from prison.

Throughout the remainder of the 1990’s, Ghaban bin Madeupname travelled around Europe and the Middle East establishing the dreaded Al-Twathooks terrorist cells, which are marked into the annals of infamy for the waves of suicide bombings they conducted against Western fast food Chew n Spew outlets that served Spam Burgers, several of which bin Madeupname is rumoured to have carried out personally.
It was during this ‘90’s sojourn he was bumped off four times by different Western intelligence service hit squads – including Mossad, MI6, the CIA and a Salvation Army sniper squad.

Ghaban bin Madeupname and his Twathooks group became active in Iraq following the second US-led invasion, merging with Big Al Qaeda in 2004.
While harbouring ambitions to become Public Enemy No 1, he was eventually labelled as Public Nuisance No. 7 by the Iraqi interim government for beheading people nastier than himself.

Following the Shock and Awe US-led invasion Madeupname was assassinated three times in 2003, first by Mossad agents, then by the CIA and finally by Halliburton-affiliated contractors RentaKill, before being snuffed yet again by helicopter gunships strafing his car while he was parked outside the Basra branch of Toys R Us in 2007 – and once more the following month while taking part in a Hopscotch tournament in a Fallujah minefield.

However Baghdad-based CIA station chief Monty Moronsky expressed disappointment at the purported success of the Slackwater XE strike on Shitcake Ibn Zamel – and especially so Ghaban bin Madeupname.

“Hellfire, old Ghaban’s been a very useful and ambidextrous PR tool for us guys for quite a few years to blame all kinds of shit on when our Zionist buddies from Mossad pull one of their false flag op’s to keep the Islamic bogeyman on the front page and Joe Public shitting his pants and screaming “Help save us all from the nasty Muslims!”

“Now these dummies from Slackwater have gone and snuffed him – maybe. Let’s jest hope it’s the same as the last few times he’s been ‘terminated with extreme prejudice’ and he turns up safe and well - all dapper and on the ball again once the shit and dust settles.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.