Saturday, 17 April 2010

PC Shiny Buttons Strikes Again

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

PC Ghengis McTwat of the Smegmadale-on-Sea police force’s elite Moron Squad this week yet again surpassed Andy Warhol’s dog-eared and clich├ęd 1960’s quote which stated that at some point in the not too distant future everyone (homeless unemployed peasants and immigrant asylum seekers included) would enjoy ‘fifteen minutes of world fame’ – by achieving his personal ‘fifteen minutes’ of national media limelight for the third time in a calendar year.

PC McTwat – now labelled by his officer corps peers with the primary derisive moniker of PC Shiny Buttons (and several more of even worse calibre) – is a known over-zealous jobsworth control freak who makes his mother’s budgie stand to attention for God Save the Queen and has previously received a caution for bullying the next door neighbour’s tortoise.

McTwat joined the Smegmadale police force in 2009 after being dismissed from his previous employment as a Grampian-based marsh warden for making the mallards and cormorants line up in military ranks every morning and salute him.

Last year PC McTwat fined Hector Scalliwag, an unemployed caber tosser, who walked out of the town’s Poundland branch with his week’s grocery and while stuffing his change into a back pocket accidentally (obviously) dropped a £10 note – which PC McTwat immediately jumped on as a case of deliberate littering and issued the hapless Scalliwag with a fixed penalty fine of £50 and three points slapped against his ‘pedestrian licence’.

In October 2009 McTwat, still the dominating fanatic, claimed his spotlight of fame for the second time around when he slapped Ron Scrunt – a Smegmadale ‘white van’ driver - with three points on his licence and a fixed penalty £60 fine - for that most serious of traffic offences of ‘blowing his nose’.

Mr Scrunt informed a reporter from the Fascists Gazette “There I woz, pulled up in an effin’ big queue of cars waitin’ fer the traffic lights ter change wiv me 'andbrake on an’ knocked outa gear. Me nose woz all runny cos I’d just ‘ad the Sneezy Pig flu thingie so I gets out me snotrag an’ blows me beak an’ this jobsworth knob’ead in a blue uniform comes marchin’ over like Lord Muck an’ yells at me “Yer nicked me lad!” – fer takin’ me effin’ ‘ands off the wheel ter use me 'ankie.”

After refusing to pay the fine, Mr Scrunt eventually received a written apology from Smegmashire’s Chief Constable, plus a letter from the DPP informing him no court action was to be taken,
Scrunt concluded that “Seriously, if this McTwat cretin’s IQ was any lower then 'e’d be stood in a plantpot and 'ave ter get watered twice a week.”

Regardless of being cautioned by his superiors concerning an over-zealous approach to ‘policing’ PC McTwat went for his third claim to fame this week when he arrested 20-year old Jacko Bogbrush for ‘Driving Under the Influence of Alcohol’.

According to the initial police report, PC McTwat was parked in a lay-by in his patrol car opposite the Troublespot Taverns Pikey’s Arm’s pub on Martinets Avenue, and observed Mr Bogbrush exit the said pub at 23:30 hours GMT last Thursday night, get into his car – a red Mini-Cooper with paired black and yellow go-faster stripes running down the side – and proceed to drive onto the north-bound carriageway in what McTwat determined to be ‘a most erratic manner’.

At this time PC McTwat followed Mr Bogbrush’s vehicle in ‘hot pursuit’ with siren blasting and blue lights flashing, swerving in front of the Mini and causing it to stop with a skid just prior to the junction with Lower Tyrant Street.

Bogbrush was ordered to exit his vehicle and given a breathalyser test – which he passed with flying colours – at which PC McTwat reportedly expressed a personal opinion of “I don’t believe this shit – you stink of beer - you’re under arrest boyo!” – thus handcuffed Mr Bogbrush and stuck him into the back of his patrol car.

On arrival at the Smegmadale police HQ the desk sergeant entered into the day blotter the DUI charge with PC McTwat stating for the record “I see this young scally boy racer’s car parked up at the Pikey’s Arms every night and he wanders out after closing time then gets in his Mini and drives off regardless of being a danger to himself and other road users and members of the general public.”

The desk sergeant being the stereotype of imbecilic plod clot who thinks wood grows on trees ordered a second breathalyser test (again negative) and a blood sample taken – which also proved negative.

Mr Bogbrush was granted his one phone call to request legal representation and slammed up for the night – then appeared before Smegmadale-on-Sea’s Magistrates Court the following morning accompanied by his legal aid solicitor.

Amidst much mirth emanating from the press gallery, Bogbrush was finally able to explain to the assembly the reason he frequented the Pikeys Arms pub every night of the week - and while smelling strongly of ale - still managed to drive his car in a straight line and pass the statutory DUI breathalyser test.
“Dead easy really – I’m the effin' barman.”

Rumours now abound that PC McTwat has been ordered to get an NVQ1 grade pass certificate in ‘Engaging Brain Before Opening Mouth” preparatory to being allowed back in uniform.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel – and perhaps an on-the-spot fixed penalty fine of £50.

Thought for the day: If a bear gets caught shitting in the woods by PC McTwat, can it claim ‘wildlife species’ immunity and avoid a fixed penalty fine?

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