Monday, 5 April 2010

Easter Skewed News Views Roundup

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – a sure-fire source of evidence it was April Fool’s Day sometime this past week – and then Easter to remind us all that Jesus the Messiah got nailed to two big pieces of wood in a Jewish-Roman conspiracy for telling people God loves ‘em all – but only to flip the Sanhedrin the big finger and arise from the dead a coupla days later, none the worse for wear – a novel act not repeated – successfully – in the last 2,000 and odd years.

Global warming strikes with full force in the UK – and fortunately it was April Fool’s Day earlier this week so nobody with half a sense of humour took it all to seriously – as temperatures plunged across the country, with power lines brought down by heavy snowfalls, water mains frozen and Easter weekend travel chaos bringing traffic to an Anthony Gormless style standstill – whereas the Met’ office optimistically forecast a Mediterranean spring. Que? Ah-ha, it’s snowing in southern France also.

Thank God Al Bore won the Nobel Prize for Scaremongering and warned us all in time to use the Boy Scout maxim and ‘Be Prepared’ – buying woolly beanies, scarves, socks, thick sweaters and moleskin pants – all topped off with a trusty Al Gore-Tex overcoat.

So, Easter passed quietly with families snowed in at home - all sat around the fireplace burning chopped-up eco-friendly Ikea furniture to keep warm – or stuck out on some Moors motorway frozen to icicles in their stalled cars.

The threatened national train strike came to naught as all RattleTrack's rails are buried under a meter of unseasonable of snow. Same with the continuing British Scareways air travel strike – now the airport runways are snow-bound from the Isle of Dogs to the Shetlands.

Fortunately I have a laptop pc, as I’ve been frozen to the bog seat since Maundy Thursday – eating Simnel cake and Easter eggs with iced yolks. However I managed to get an e-mail message to our local emergency services unit and they’ve promised to come on round and thaw me out before next Tuesday - weather permitting.

The results of a survey just released by the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money states emphatically that Common Clairvoyant Toads appear to be able to sense an impending earthquake and will flee their colony days before the seismic activity actually strikes.

The evidence comes from a population of toads which did a moonlight and skipped their breeding colony three days before an earthquake struck L'Aquila in Italy last year.

How toads sensed the quake is unclear as they have no access to seismographs, according to biologists writing in the Journal of Fuckwitology.

Geologist Guido Fuctifino hypothesized "Our findings suggest that toads are able to detect pre-seismic cues such as the release of terrestrial gases and charged particles – or plummeting into deep fissure and big rocks falling on them - and use these as a form of earthquake early warning system.”

PM Gordon ‘Incapability’ Broon, assisted by the Devils’ apprentice Business Secretary – Lord Peter Scandalson (aka Vermin in Ermine) – the poof with an irresistible impulse for mischief - continues to do his utmost to cause as much damage to the country and economy as possible before he’s unceremoniously hoofed out of office on May 6th.

The Chief Porridge Wog – in a fit of pique directed at the middle and breadline classes of English society - is currently pushing to relax immigration laws before the suspension of Parliament and the House of Conmans shuts down for the election - so the UK can be flooded with Polish plumbers who can’t fix shit – and whingeing disaffected political refugees who - after getting one foot through the Borders’ Agency door - immediately demand their own place of worship and government forms written in some spider scrawl language that resembles more of an upside-down algebraic equation scribed by Mork from Ork than anything contained in a human

Real nice to see in the news that platoons of scumbag kikester sadists comprising the ranks of the Israeli Defence Force’s Thug Squads are enjoying their Jewish Feast of the Pissover and still finding time to ignore the UN’s Gallstone Report and get plenty of target practice shooting school kids on the Gaza side of their racist apartheid Great Wall of Israel. But that’s the IDF’s mandate – shoot anything old enough to bleed. God bless Baron Rothshite.

An Iranian nuclear scientist (read washing machine mechanic) who has been missing since last June has apparently braved his worse inborn fears and defected to the Great Satan – or as we call it – the good ole US of A.

Now a typical soap opera replay of the same old threadbare Hollywood kikester script will no doubt conveniently confirm he was actually working on a nuclear bomb and thus ‘legitimise’ an attack on the sovereign state – just like Iraq and the fantasy WMD dossier.”
Yeah, yeah, yeah – heard it all before – Mohammed al Jaffacake – another weapons of mass distraction pantomime – they hate our democratic freedoms and are bent on nuking the outlaw rogue state of Israel.

Pox News claim that Professor Mohammed al Jaffacake had been resettled in the US and was helping the CIA in its efforts to block Iran's nuclear programme.

Mr al Jaffacake disappeared in Saudi Arabia while on the Hajj Muslim pilgrimage last year and defected as he claims he wants to experience the orgasmic everlasting joy of exercising his long-denied ‘democratic freedoms’.

Haiti continues to be a Third World basket case since getting HAARP’ed with a major earthquake – courtesy of Uncle Sam's greedy Zionist military-industrial ruling elite - and now becomes the latest in a long list of US overseas bases – all ready n waiting to destabilise Venezuela and steal their natural resources – and make a total fuck up of the Caribbean Basin and the rest of South America, much as they’ve done across the Middle East with their Zionist Empire false flag invasions.

Guess who’s up front and on stage stealing the limelight around Port au Prince and pretty much everything else that’s not nailed down? Why it’s The Bill & Hillary Show - with ex-US Pres’ the Very Artful Draft Dodger, Bronco Billy Clinton himself, backed up by his dodgy dyke spouse - and Mena Mafia Matriarch - Hilarious Rodent Clinton – doling out the aid money. No shit, you might as well put Al Capone in charge of the cash register.

The Pope's own personal confessor, Fr Paedo Corruptioni, resident priest of St Sodom’s Church for Latter Day Pederasts, speaking at an Easter Mass in St Peter's Square has apologised for comparing criticism of the Catholic Church over child abuse to "the centuries of collective violence suffered by the Jews for crucifying the son of God” in a series of historical pogroms and Holohoaxes – further stating the true Catholic faithful were not affected by the "petty gossip" of the moment or the tale-telling of a few whistle blowing choir boys with sore arseholes.

Fr Corruptioni was of course referring to the kiddie fiddling sex-abuse scandal that is threatening to engulf the entire hypocritical edifice of the Catholic Church and wreak it asunder.

Pope Benny, the Mk XVI model, did not refer to the crisis in his "Urbi et Orbi" Easter address, perhaps hoping that the truth about the entire church being run on the sale of Indulgences and Benefices – plus a cult of dogma, simony and sodomy - for the past 2,000 years will remain sub rosa from the ears and eyes of the general moronic congregation of the faithful.

In a sermon to the community at Castel Gandolfo yesterday the Pontiff, who seemed untouched by the child sex abuse scandals spread across the global media like fly shit and clouding the most important event on the Catholic calendar, arrogantly proclaimed that the Vatican's reputation would prevail due to ‘Divine Protection'. Er, is Benny, as the Allmighty’s Vicar on Earth, officially announcing that God approves of with kiddie fiddling priests?

Frantic firefighters were called out to the home of ex-Slime Minister Tony Bliar and his gorgonesque wife Cherie after she cremated the breakfast toast and set off every smoke alarm around the picturesque village of Wanton Upstarts in rural Fuckinghamshire.

Mr Bliar's gardener and general factotum, a certain Mr Campbell, informed a reporter from the Arsonists Gazette – for a modest £20 fee - that the fire brigade already arrived before they could be informed it was really a false alarm and the domestically-challenged Cherie had made a total bollocks of the family breakfast – yet again.

Four fire engines were sent to the 17th Century grade one listed building in Wanton Upstarts when the ‘automatically connected’ alarm went off yesterday morning – fearing that the ex-PM’s leather-bound dodgy dossier collection might be going up in flames.

Fuckinghamshire Fire and Rescue Service spokesman Frank Snott told the media the Bliars were lucky to be alive due smoke inhalation from a full thick sliced Wonderloaf ‘King Crusty’ smouldering away in the toaster.

"Mrs Bliar was attempting to cook breakfast when the alarm went off and she couldn’t fathom out what the actual problem was as the kitchen was thick with smoke so she went into total denial mode and stuck her head in the waste disposal unit until the all-clear was sounded.”
“Obviously Tony is as inefficient around the house as he was running the country as he didn’t know how to turn the alarm off, or unplug the toaster – or operate the CO2 extinguisher.”

Cherie later told reporters from the Numpty Clots Review that she was ‘rather embarrassed’ by the whole affair and was intending to send a tray-full of bacon butties round to the local fire station the next time she made an attempt to cook breakfast.

Did you go egg-rolling this Easter? Get a cuddle from the Easter Bunny? See any nasty scourgings or crucifixions? Did you have a good laugh at Pope Benny’s embarrassment and the Catholic Church’s current kiddie fiddling predicament? Any of your neighbours on Lazarus Avenue arise from the dead? How about them turning the water into wine? Water into White Lightning – or Guinness? Did you exercise the depth of your Christian faith and walk across any duck ponds? Shake hands with any lepers? Any semi-miraculous events or divine apparitions or manifestations at all?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If a bear gets crucified for shitting in the woods – then eating the Easter Bunny - will it arise from the dead after three days and go to Heaven?

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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