Friday, 2 April 2010

Now Official - Trafford Council Goes Bonkers

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – providing up-to-the-minute proof that this has simply gotta be April Fool’s Day.

Welcome to the People’s Soviet Collective of Trafford – located dead-centre in the grim and grimy North-West of this once-sceptred isle of green and pleasant lands – where the maxim of “you can’t fix stupid but you can vote it out” no longer applies – for after you’ve got shut of one cabal of overpaid career idiots it’s only to discover someone’s elected into office an even worse bunch of traitorous morons.

A pet shop owner who was electronically tagged after being found guilty of selling a goldfish to a 15-year-old boy told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker that she was "effin’ flabbergasted" by the sentence.

Her offence was to unwittingly sell a goldfish to a 15-year-old scallie working for the local council’s Snitch & Grassers Squad - who was taking part in a trading standards 'sting'.
Community Enforcement jobsworths on hire from the local Renta-Snoop agency had sent the teenager into the pet store to make a test purchase and set Granny Mingerot up for an entrapment charge and prosecution to boost their ‘arrest and spot fine’ ratings.

Mrs Chlamydia Mingerot, a 96-year old great-grandmother, pleaded guilty at Trafford Magistrates' Court to selling a ‘live animal’ to a person under the age of 16 who was unaccompanied by a responsible adult.
At most she expected a slap on the wrist for breaking new Kafkaesque EUSSR animal welfare laws which ban the sale of pets to anyone under16.

Instead, the semi-disabled granny was taken to court, fined £1,000, placed under curfew for two months - and ordered to wear an electronic tag round her arthritic ankle – plus, to add insult to injury, further stigmatised with a criminal record.

Fellattia van der Gobble, spokeswomen for Trafford Council’s Department for Wasting Time & Money, informed a journalist from the Scandalmongers Gazette that the decision to pursue the £26,000 prosecution case was taken as ‘being in the public’s interest’ – and to show the peasants who’s really Boss in Trafford.

Granny Mingerot stated for the court record that she had been in the animal and pet trade since the Great War when she ran a roast rat stall in Flanders, but would never intentionally harm an animal – and proclaimed innocence in selling Ronnie, one of her star performing goldfish, to the 15-year old Jacko McScrunt – a career chav studying for his GCSEs in 'Advanced Benefit Fraud' and 'Shoplifting' at Sale’s Asbo Central High.

Mrs. Mingerot informed Stipendiary Magistrate Sir Irwin Bogbrush "You can't always get the balance right an’ this McScrunt lad definitely passes fer 16 cos he stunk of lager an’ ciggies an’ I even asked him why he hadn’t shaved before he went to school that mornin’.”

Mrs Mingerot was forced to accept a tag because she is unfit for community service work since being savagely attacked by a feral hamster three years ago.
"I would rather have donated something to a charity – like one of me kidneys. I'd much sooner have done that than wear this effin’ tag round me ankle fer two months an’ a curfew ter stop me goin’ down the Pikey’s Arms fer a few pints at night.”

Trafford Council informed the Big Brother columnist from the Totalitarians Review that it launched the ‘sting’ operation after receiving an unsubstantiated complaint that the pet shop had sold an intellectually-challenged gerbil to a 14-year-old girl with learning disabilities - who later dunked the unfortunate rodent into a cup of coffee then ate it.

Trafford’s Animal Welfare Officer, Zbigniew Pikesky – who has an NVQ1 Diploma in Tortoise Polishing and was an official registered tomcat strangler in his home town of Cracow, also noticed a budgerigar in the store that appeared to be distressed- for when he called “Hello pretty Polly” it replied “Fuck off yer Polack twat” - and after being poked with a sharp stick and dragged out of it’s cage squawking was found to have a broken leg.

Besides her £1,000 fine Granny Mingerot was issued with a curfew and ordered to stay in her house between 1800 and 0700 for the next two months to comply with her curfew order.
Her son Dinsdale Mingerot, 67, who manages the shop, was fined £750 for not having an EUSSR-approved doormat and ordered to carry out 120 hours of unpaid community service around Sale’s town centre as part of a yobs and scallies pavement licking team.

Trafford Councillor Ghengis McTwat informed Pox News that the main reason the council pursued the prosecution was due the fact the pet shop owner had caused unnecessary suffering to a budgerigar by not providing it with a leg cast and a crutch.”

When it was mentioned that the budgie was hale and hearty prior to being tormented and dragged from its cage by Mr. Pikesky, the officious Councillor McTwat barked “That’s besides the effin’ point – and I don’t want to hear any more guff about ‘cruelty to goldfish’ and “Well, let’s all just go down to the fishmongers on Cross Street or the local chippy - with the RSPCA in tow - and see what they do to fish there.”

Trafford maintain their animal welfare staff had previously warned the store about not supplying care information to customers, claiming “Just give it some Corn Flakes and milk every morning simply isn’t good enough – especially for a goldfish.”
"Magistrates felt the sentence they imposed on Mrs Mingerot and her son Dinsdale reflected the gravity of the case."

While Granny Mingerot did not have her ‘small game’ licence to sell animals revoked, both she and her son were warned that if they ever appeared in court for a similar offence they could face a jail sentence – or even worse – be exiled to a scallies gulag or Konzentrationslager in Partington.

Ronnie the goldfish was later adopted by Aquarium World at Smegmadale-on-Sea where he was unfortunately eaten by a Siamese Farting Fish with an ‘anger management’ problem.

Have you ever caused unnecessary suffering to a goldfish? Do you tread on ants? Ever go badger baiting? How would you like to take part in our Easter Anarchy Extravaganza and blow up the Town Hall?

Send us your comments using the online post form below and we’ll pass them on – along with your name and address - to Trafford Council’s Renta-Thug Community Enforcement Squad so they can come round and kick your front door off the hinges and arrest you for ‘domestic terrorism’.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If a bear shits in one of Trafford’s parks and there’s no-one around with a poop scoop to ‘bag it’, who gets hit with the spot fine?

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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