Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.
New Labour’s hapless outgoing Prime Minister, Gordon ‘Incapability’ Broon, confided in one reporter from the Daily Shitraker that he was "mortified" after being ‘caught’ dead to rights by a microphone recording describing Rochdale’s only certain New Labour voter - with whom he had just spoken – as a "right bigoted old bag".
Mrs Gladys Muffrot, a 96-year old grandmother, had confronted and challenged Broon during his Rochdale walkabout this morning on issues including the price of donkey stones, cold porridge, sporrans, mini-kilts, unprotected sex with haggis, and illegal immigration into the UK by hordes of Polish plumbers and swan-roasting Albanian pikeys.
Gordon exited ‘stage left’, telling Granny Muffrot "Very nice to meet you – and I’ll get Peter Scandalson to look into reducing the import duty on donkey stones” – then climbed back into his waiting ‘escape vehicle’. However the numpty clot was still wearing a Shite News broadcast microphone and was heard to comment “Well, what a fuck up that was - having to listen to that bigoted old bitch harping on and whingeing about all kinds of mundane crap.”
Next thing a full gaggle of frenzied press hacks were on the case like rats into the corpse of a dead cat and stirring up calumnious hot gossip and trouble faster than a gang of soccer yobs on a booze binge blitz bender.
Within the hour Gordon’s biggest fubar since last month’s ‘bullying’ fubar was broadcast around the globe - via the International Space Station and the Moon – then back again – including an on-site interview with a fuming and incensed Granny Muffrot who had just listened to the recording and commented “Well, the nasty pillock can wave our votes ta-ta and kiss my fat old arse.”
One bunch of amused Conservative Party canvassers opined that ‘No Mates’ Gordon’s comments spoke for themselves – with Shadow Chancellor Georgie Puffball relating "That's the thing about general elections, they do reveal the truth about people – and in this case just what an evil piece of work the Prime Minister really is."
Librarian-Dummercats leader Mick Clogg said the incident was "just hilarious" and then fell over laughing. Affecting a partial recovery Clogg claimed that Broon was the type of bloke you can take anywhere twice – the second time to apologise.
“Seriously, this week especially so - if it wasn’t for ‘bad luck’ then Gordon simply wouldn’t have any.”
Scum News Channel’s chief political correspondent Fellattia Kunttsberg opined that the Labour Party's new tactic of putting him in contact with more "ordinary people" had "gone quite horribly wrong and turned out to be an effing disaster – to put it mildly.”
Meanwhile Scandal 4 News’ political editor Ronnie Dorksonn declared it was an outright calamity for the prime minister as it demonstrated the gap between his public face of being nice then switching to his ‘eavesdropped’ private side that considers all British peasants to be a bunch of contemptible gits well below his unqualified arrogance and dignity to converse or mix with.
“The monocular twat needs to be reminded - preferably with a sound kick in the ballot box – that no bugger voted for him to be Prime Minister. He only got the hand-me-down job after Tony Bliar made such a bollocks of it and had to bail out.”
Rumours remain unconfirmed that both the Tory and Lib-Dum parties are holding a joint booze-guzzling banquet tonight to celebrate the fact New Labour have shot their bolt at any chance of getting re-elected on May 6th- especially so around rabid Rochdale.
Do you live in the Rochdale area? Have you ever been insulted by a Prime Minister nobody voted for? Would you cast your ballot for a two-faced porridge wog? Do you think Gordon has the personality of a landfill site – and is as amusing as a course of chemotherapy?
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.
Thought for the day: If Gordon ‘No Mates’ goes canvassing down in the woods today will he be sure of a big surprise - if he calls Paddington a bigot and gets done over and shit on by a bunch of bears?
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.
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