Friday, 30 April 2010

Millipede Bankrupts Foreign Office

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

The Foreign and Commonwealth Office has spent zillions of pounds of taxpayers’ money on an asinine new logo – which is nigh on identical to the previous design sans the traditional artwork.

Foreign Secretary (until May 6th) David Millipede, a career moron who comes from an established line of career morons, ordered the £80,000 logo makeover to coincide with the department being forced to draw up a hit list of embassies and consulates around the globe it intends to close down to save money - £80,000 quid minimum.
Further, in addition to the new branding costs, the FCO will be forced to spend mega-bucks on new stationery carrying the updated logo format.

Last year alone, under Millipede’s inept leadership, the Foreign Office was £110 zillion quid over budget – mainly caused by its massive overspend in upgrading its stock of graphite lead pencils and on felonious PR work to further demonise Muslims as dyed-in-the-wool terrorists – and advertise what a good job the British army was doing in Afghanistan – guarding a poxy pipeline and hectares of opium poppies.

Yet at the same time senior civil service mandarin parasites called in a team of image consultants to rebrand the FCO which has been in existence since 1782 when the Southern and Northern departments of the Secretary of State were joined and brought under the custodianship of the Whig wanker Charles James Fox.

A glossy brochure which accompanies the rebrand claims that the nouveau identity – featuring a new Royal Crest (one without the donkey with the big spike stuck out of its head – unicorn - and the nasty spitting cat - lion) and a new typeface for the words ‘Foreign & Commonwealth Office’ – will subtly represent the illusionary Power to Influence.

The new FCO brand came into effect last month with all embassies and consular posts around the world – the one’s not being chopped and closed down to save £80,000 quid - issued with a ‘brand tool kit’ including a lists of do’s and don’ts on how to use the new logo.

An 80-page glossy pamphlet obviously designed for use by a window-licker with a minus-zero IQ states: ‘Our logo consists of the Royal Crest and name beneath it. We need to use this on all our print materials.’

The image consultants from the Morons-R-Us PR Group also designed a simplified version of the crest for use on the FCO website – removing the Royal motto ‘Dieu et mon droit’ – ‘God and my right’ – and the motto of the Order of the Garter ‘Honi soit qui mal y pense’ – loosely translated as ‘Evil be to him who evil thinks’ – which might just now apply to Millipede and Co for fucking with a Royal insignia which has been fit for purpose throughout Empire’s Day, incalculable foreign wars and an even greater number of extraneous Mexican standoff scenarios.

The highly-paid consultants also chose a new typeface to be used on all the FCO’s paperwork. The font, called Fuckitup, is also employed by the shit-for-brains and bankrupt National Health Service – which hardly constitutes any sort of positive recommendation.

According to the Foreign and Commonwealth Office, since it is now run by ‘foreigners’ and ‘commonwealth’ refugees, this new brand represents a philosophical maxim spelled out in six words: ‘Empowering, Insightful, Principled, Persuasive, Strategic and Intelligent’ – and a total waste of £80,000 quid that could have been spent on body armour for squaddies in Bellend Province – or a good old piss up for the lads at Shitehall’s Rat and Pikey pub on Friday afternoon.

As the Chinese sage Confucious pontificated to his wife when she started to nag about a new bathroom suite “If it’s not broke then don’t fuck with it!”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel.

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