Sunday, 4 April 2010

Welfare Squad Snuff Uncooperative Granny

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – in this particular instance providing living proof that the world has gone totally bonkers.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views might well concoct some outrageous parodies based on factual establishment stupidity but you simply could not make this kind of shit up – even with a skin-full of booze and an abundance of ‘mood-altering’ substances - seriously, the Gods of Fiction simply wouldn’t stand for it.

Police in Franklin Township, New Jersey (yep, the good ole US of A again) recently announced an innovative program designed to improve the safety of its senior citizens, according to a report in the Euthanasia Gazette.

Through “Operation Blue Angel,” elderly and disabled residents would leave a key to their front door in a lockbox accessible by a combination supposedly known to only to the local plod squad.
Officers doing “safety checks” of the homes would knock on the door and, if nobody responds, would use the keys to enter.

So, WTF could possibly go wrong? Why wouldn’t a great-grandmother want to have some Big Brother state ‘angelic’ social care jobsworths coming round to check on their “welfare” and pry into their affairs?
One minor reason that springs to mind was demonstrated by the shooting death of Mrs Mildred Scrunt, a 96-year old retired cormorant strangler, yesterday in the Moron Hamlets project area of Jersey.

Community Plod Squad officers were dispatched on their scheduled monthly tour to Mrs Scrunt’s apartment block to conduct a “welfare check.” For reasons of privacy the feisty nonagenarian, who has a reputation around the neighbourhood for her taste in ‘toyboys for hire’ and three-hole clusterfucks on pension day – and a even bigger taste for Viagra and bourbon chasers, had fastened the security chain on her front door.

This prompted the intellectually-challenged Plod Squad, seconded by the local authority from the Renta-Cretin agency, to start banging on the door and shouting for Mrs Scrunt to “open up – or else!” The old lady responded by slamming the door shut again with one of her crutches and telling the ‘welfare plods’ to “Eff off!” as she was just fine and didn’t want to be disturbed due enjoying a few private ‘happy erotic moments’ with her rampant rabbit vibrator.

Aha, but the Blue Angel team insisted that they enter and inspect the premises for compliance with the regulatory sanitation, and health and safety criteria – and make sure she wasn’t providing shelter to any Jolly Jihad Muslim terrorist type lodgers or attempting to split the atom in her compact kitchenette.

“Piss off the gang of you or I’ll get me Saturday night special and blow your effin’ heads off” was the reply.

Confronted with this ‘threatening’ response the Blue Angel team radioed in a ’domestic terrorism’ incident was underway at Moron Hamlets and were quickly reinforced by squads of goons and SWAT storm troopers from the Department of Homeland Security – who went in locked and loaded, fired smoke grenades through the windows, then kicked Mrs Scrunt’s front door off its hinges - only to be confronted with an upraised defensive crutch which they mistook for a military carbine – and thus emptied half a clip of 4.6x30mm HK MP7A1 hollow points into the irate granny’s chest.

Unfortunately, with it being before lunch, Mrs Scrunt wasn’t wearing her Kevlar bullet proof body armour and the trauma of her wounds caused her to be pronounced DOA at the Mount Caramel Clinic for Latter Day Corpses.

The entire fiasco was witnessed and web-cammed by across-the-hall neighbour Billy Bob Forkendork, a retired wheelbarrow mechanic, who informed a reporter from the Double Tap Review “These welfare pricks come pokin’ around and askin’ all sorts of stupid questions an’ we jest don’t like it.”
“Operation Blue Angels be fucked, it’s more like Operation Angel of Death after today’s snafu if yer ask me.”

Conversely Blue Angel spokeswoman Candida Twatrot told Fux News “It was Mrs Scrunt’s own fault. All our welfare officers wanted to do was check she was okay and she’s gone and made them kill her. Really, some people have no sense of gratitude or social responsibility”

Hmmm, so much for Barky O'Barmy’s all-new 'Health Care Reform Bill’ working in practice.

Do you have a local authority’s Nosey Parker Snoop Squad barging into your home uninvited? Ever thought of buying a Sabre-Toothed Rat Hound as a home security measure? How about booby trapping your front porch and garden path with M-18A1 Claymore directional fragmentation anti-personnel mines?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a free one-way trip to the Swiss ‘Dignitas’ resort and take part in the next of our ever-popular assisted suicide surveys.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

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