Sunday, 4 April 2010

Olympic Tower Labelled as ‘Bag of Shit’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – providing living proof that April Fool’s Day has just gone – and compounded by the fact last month was ruled by the Mad March Hare.

Commentators and critics alike assess the London 2012 Olympic Games' monument - a spiralling recycled steel and desiccated pig manure sculpture designed by Barf Bag Prize-winning con’ artist Hashish Jaffacake – as a proverbial ’bag of shit’.

Sir Morton Fuctifino's role in the construction of the sculpture is less well known, but he is the academic tosspot whose geometrical alchemy has influenced projects as diverse as the design of East London’s Scumdale Hamlets art-décor landfill site and the celebrated Smegmadale-on-Sea Coastal Numpty Dumpty sculptures – such as the famous tourist-puller – the ‘Gumby of the North’.

Funded by Tessa Bowells’ Ministry for Wasting Time & Money and from the 2012 Olympics Committee’s Camelot Lotto award to the tune of what banksters and accountants alike refer to as ‘lots and lots of effin’ dosh’ - the Olympics ‘Big Words’ department informs all in its new glossy brochure "The Arseabout-Mittal Orbit Tower reflects a meeting of two of the boldest minds in British art with the ability to create conceptually confusing works is here manifest and proven.” Que?

Conversely, Director of the British Arts Foundation Sir Irwin Bogbrush posted his comments on the prestigious Building blog – focusing on the fact the entire sculpture lacks any sense or meaning. “To me it looks like a joint effort by Anthony Gormless and Banksie after they’d been on a week-long booze-fuelled bender and smoked a few biftas of mood-altering substances. I mean to say, is this some twats idea of an effing joke - having a UFO viewing platform?”
“It resembles a demented surrealist impression of the remains of an Alton Towers roller coaster following nuclear attack on Staffordshire.”

London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense was non-committal and denied rumours he had personally labelled the scrap steel Dali-esque nightmare as Fuckwit Tower, but did inform hacks from the gutter press “Well at least it allowed Rattle Track to recycle a few hundred miles of their dodgy cheap Indian rail lines that have caused more crashes and derailments than enough.”

By comparison Gustave Eiffel's iconic tower in the centre of Paris was built as a grand entrance for the Exposition Universelle of 1889, and not designed as a piece of public art - but a place for pigeons to roost in perpetuity, and shit on the French peasants wandering around below.

So, back to the armchair critics. Is it beautiful? No. Is it ugly? Probably. Is it an amateur mess? Definitely. Will it look better when it goes rusty this coming winter? Perhaps. How about when it’s festooned with scores of contracted cellphone antennas? Only time will tell.

Hopefully it will be selected as a likely target for al Qaeda’s Jolly Jihad terrorists bent on demolishing the few meagre democratic freedoms the EUSSR has left us – or Mossad and MI6’s next scheduled false flag terrorist attack on the capital.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If someone made a sculpture of a bear shitting in the woods would it stink like the real thing?

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