Thursday, 15 April 2010

UK HSE Label Afghan Fubar as ‘Dangerous’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

A Conservative Party election issue has centred on HSE Risk Assessments for the British military contingent assigned to NATO forces in Afghanistan following a recent critical review of the escalating costs associated with the multiplying numbers of ‘war-related’ injuries and fatalities occurring there.

Sir Quentin Fuctifino, head of the UK’s Health & Safety Executive informed one reporter from the Warmongers Gazette that in his opinion the current circumstances regarding ‘hostilities’ in Afghanistan warranted more stringent risk assessments as the situation was ‘quite dangerous’ - with British army troops getting shot at and having to negotiate minefields and IED booby traps on a daily basis – plus duck every time the trigger-happy Yanks or Afghan military were around - and locked and loaded.

Tory leader Posh Dave Cameron informed hacks from the gutter press that “When we get into power in May then one of my first directives will be to order the HSE to conduct a full risk assessment of all activities involving our troops in Afghanistan.”
“If Sir Quentin’s people come back and tell us it’s far too dangerous for them to stay there guarding the gas pipeline and the opium poppy crops then I’m going to bring them home – and NATO and the little brown Kenyan cuckoo squatting in the Oval Office can kiss my upper class arse.”

“I mean to say, have you seen the HSE reports concerning the injuries these squaddies are sustaining? This isn’t simply splinters and the odd sprained ankle or bit of muck in the eye - like Rupert Mudrock’s media empire would have us believe. Some of our troops have actually been shot at – with real bullets – and killed too. This is even worse than the drug gangs warring around London’s Skidrow Hamlets constituency.”

“We might get Bob Geldork and Bono to go and have a little talk with the Taliban too, and see if they will agree to a policy of non-violent protests then we don’t have to keep sending all those body bags and causing traffic jams in Wootton Bassett three times a week.”

NATO Commander in Afghanistan, General Billy Bob McTwat, told Fux News ”Hellfire, if this Posh Dave character gets inter Downing Street in May then Pres’ O’Barmy an’ his Zionist kikester buddies are jest gonna have ter rustle up another forty or fifty thousand good ole American recruits ter take over from the Limeys.”

“But that ain’t gonna be any problem as half these guys won’t be able ter afford the new O’Barmy Health Care Plan anyways and we do patch ‘em up for free when the Taliban blast the shit outa ‘em.”

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No gas pipelines, British troops, opium poppies, Afghan children, goats or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel – and the odd philosophical apothegm from Bono.

Thought for the day: If a bear shits in the woods will the Tories appoint some ‘Dung Disposal Officer’ jobsworth to clean up the mess?

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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