Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – reminding us all that yesterday was April Fool’s.
A report just leaked to the Daily Shitraker by education authority whistleblowers working for the Ox-Rat snitch and grasser charity reveals the truancy rate for schools in England has soared out of proportion to the highest level ever recorded since the Peasants Revolt.
Statistics for the last academic year - to July 2009 - show that unauthorised absences rose at a geometric rate to what one concerned Education Ministry official described as ‘quite a lot’.
Using the standard truancy equation of z-5y x 55%, this means that thousands of school sessions were missed without permission - up from z-5y x 30% last year.
Schools Secretary Ed Ballsup, confronted with details of the leaked report, admitted that the truancy rate is at its highest level across the UK since schools were invented.
This factor Ballsup puts down to the subjects being taught in schools as too boring when kids can stay home, slurp cheap booze, take drugs, play video games and make babies with their girl friends.
The truancy issue is further complicated by mid-teens knowing that even if they attend classes every day and achieve top grades in their GCSE exams then there will still be no job vacancies – apart from a promising career of signing on at the local Jobcentre Plus every two weeks – for which they don’t even have to read or write as an X will do on their attendance card.
Conversely Ballsup was quick to point out that the number of overall absences taken via letters of official written consent were down to an all-time low – as nobody bothered to ask permission before pulling a sickie or adopting the standard a ‘can’t be arsed’ attitude.
“Many of these kids have taken the Ministry of Scaremongering’s global warming scam a bit too seriously as I’m hearing reports that if we’re all going to drown in fifteen years – or get eaten by packs of marauding polar bears - then what’s the point of an education.”
13-year old Vic told an reporter from the Class Waggers Gazette “Bollocks ter school cos me bruvver’s teachin’ me how ter nick cars an’ he only works after dark like – so I’m too fucked after an all-night session of thievein’ motors ter get up fer effin’ school.”
Likewise 12-year old Candida explained “Wot wiv bein’ preggers an’ six months gone I’ve got ter go ter see the gynaeo’ doctor twice a week, then I’ve got me pre-natal clinic thingie an ‘ learn all about breast feedin’ and shit like that – so I’ve got no time fer effin’ school.”
“Really, I’m not shittin’ yer – all me spare time’s spent fillin’ out maternity allowance and child benefit forms and that sort of crap.”
Candida’s Mum, Mrs. Rita Slagg, was threatened with prosecution by education authorities last month for failing to ensure her daughter attended school classes.
However she informed the Class Waggers Gazette “I’m too bleedin’ busy down at the DSS offices every day trying ter get some effin’ money outa the social fund ter feed me bad habits. Have yer seen the price of White Lightning already and that twat of a Chancellor sez he’s gonna put cider up another 30 per cent in his effin’ budget.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.
Thought for the day: If a bear shits in the school playground and there’s no kids around to tread in it, does it still stink?
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