Monday, 26 April 2010

Posh Dave Tells Jobless: Work or Starve

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

Conservative Party leader Posh Dave Cameron, the type of upper class over-priveleged twit who thinks ‘Manual Labour’ is the name of some Spanish quiz show celebrity, yesterday announced his planned Tory policy crackdown on the legions of British unemployed and workshy, declaring “the free ride is over.”

The message was carried on the first of a new series of election campaign posters, featuring the slogan: 'Let's cut benefits for those who refuse work' – which were swiftly ‘Banksied’ with graffitti conveying the messages “Create some jobs then yer dog wankin’ poofter” – and “Yer own stupid faults cos that old slag Twatcher wot done got rid of all our industry and the jobs wiv em too.”

Tories hope the series of slogans starting with 'Let's' will highlight the party wanting to work with the public to change Britain and convince the common herd of voting sheeple to put their ballot cross in the box marked ‘Conservative’ – the one with the big ‘C’ at the front of it and definitely not the one with the big ‘L’ – for ‘Losers’.

However canny political observers believe that while Labour hasn’t a cat in Hell’s chance of getting re-elected after the total bollcks they’ve made of things since 1997, the voting public retain sour memories of what the Tories did – and didn’t do - in the 17 years prior under Maggie Twatcher and the inept John Major.

What have the Tories got to offer in the wayof credible personages in their cabinet ranks? One swift glance along their front bench / shadow cabinet composed of a mix of contemptible cretins and oiks alike the moronic Georgie Osbourne, the pathetic Chris Gaything, the acne-faced Michale Grove resembling a ventriloquist’s dummy - and the likes of old mutant-features Pauline Neville-Jones whose prominent incisors and generally fucked-up dentistry have equipped her to eat a bunch of applea through a chicken wire fence.

Honestly, who the phuck is going to vote for a bunch of dorks that look like an audition line-up for Fraggle Rock?

If God really does have a rotten sense of humour and the Tories get into power by some freak of luck, they’re threatening that within six months of taking power they'll get David Blaine to wave his magic wand and create 50,000 training places and 400,000 apprenticeships for the under-25s – but with nary a mention of industrial placements and job creations for the UK’s legions of unemployed multi-skilled engineers. Nope, that would take a real miracle.

However that was one question Posh Dave was quick to skip over and instead announce that he would establish ‘work clubs’ to teach the unemployed all manner of skills such as ‘pencil sharpening’ and ‘brushing up’- with those hoping to start businesses promised to get access to a business mentor on TV’s Dragon’s Den and loans of as much as £50.

Long-term claimants who cannot find work will be required to "work for their £60 quid per week jobseekers allowance" on community programmes as canine ‘poop scoopers’ or ‘pavement lickers’, and all people claiming incapacity benefits will be reassessed - and transferred onto JSA if they are fit enough to crawl, operate crutches or propel a wheelchair.

Posh Dave informed a reporter from the Totalitarian Gazette ”You know, just look at me when I’m home at weekends – taking an NVQ 1 course in how to operate the truffle toaster and use the remote control for my new 200 inch wall mounted plasma telly. Then I have to teach the new Somalian au pair how to drive the lawn mower. Busy, busy, busy – that’s me.”
“So if these blokes have sod all to do they can get out there erecting wind turbines on their neighbour’s roof, and go off sweeping up the motorways of all the road kill critters – such as drunken pikeys and illegal immigrants disguised as badgers.”

Well, there you have it, that’s Posh Dave’s ‘Big Society’ plan for Step One in creating Utopia. Cutting off welfare benefits to the chronically sick, the disabled and the two and a half million ‘registered’ unemployed voters. Yep, that’s several million votes he’s won’t be getting before we even reach the ballot box.

Do you believe Posh Dave is the true Messiah? Do you think Gordon Brown’s a total twat? Any thoughts on Nick Clogg and his band of Lib-Dums? How about Nigel Barrage and the useless UKIP? Perhaps a vote for Nick Griffin and his BNP Paki-Bashers Party? Let’s face it – you could do worse – and get stuck with Gordon Broon and New Labour for yet another four years of utter purgatory.

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a place in the Tory cabinet if anyone’s barmy enough to vote them into power.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If everyone boycotts the election do you think it’ll dawn on the clots that we want a return to tribalism and autonomous collectives?

No comments: