School Lunches Cause of Fat Army Recruits

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the sons of Belial.

A survey undertaken by the Pentagon-funded 'Mission Moron Readiness' think tank has revealed that school lunches are making American kids so fat that fewer of them can meet the military's physical fitness standards – which in turn is putting the army and marines recruitment programmes in jeopardy.

A copy of the top secret report from the MMR think tank was leaked to the Warmongers Gazette by a Pentagon-based whistleblower working for the Ox-Rat snitch and grassers charity and states without ambiguity that 65 percent of Americans aged 16 to 25 are too overweight to join the military.
The report further claims that high-calorie school and college junk food lunches are the direct cause and constitute a clear and present threat to US national security.

One of the Joint Chiefs, Navy Rear Admiral Barney Porkenstein III, informed a reporter from Slimmer’s World that the majority of young Americans are simply too fat to fight and if drafted and deployed out in Afghanistan’s Bellend Province to guard the opium crops would make easy targets for the Taliban’s Jolly Jihadi terrorists and Muhijadeen guerrillas. “Really, this could prove to be one God-damn problem - how are we gonna fit these fat gits into regular sized body bags?”

JCS Top Dog, General Billy Bob Dorkbender, told Pox News “Hellfire, we don’t want them like a Pikey’s dog – all dick and ribs so they rattle and the Taliban can hear them a-comin’ – but by that self-same rule we don’t need them with thirty-plus pounds of lard hanging round their guts and arses either.”
“If these kids think they’re gonna get all fatted out with man tits and spare tyres so they fail the draft selection board then they’ve got another think comin’ – especially when they get slapped with 60 days in one of FEMA’s Camp Auschwitz slimming centres.”

The Pentagon’s Joint Chiefs of Staff have now tasked Homeland Security with pushing the Congressional passage of a wide-ranging nutrition bill that aims to make the nation's school lunches healthier – more of the 5-a-day traffic light colours raw foods and fruits – and less of the high carb’s and bad fats Chew n Spew variety.

Thus, at least, with the weight (pun intended) of the Pentagon’s JSC and the military machine behind this ‘lean, mean fighting machine’ recruitment programme the scumbag politicos infesting the halls of Congress who are lickspittles to the food industry lobby might actually get their fat arses into gear and kick start a campaign to reform the eating habits of young Americans. (But don’t hold your breath on this one either).

Do you live off a diet of Chew n Spew junk food? Do you eat your five-a-day? How about four – or three – or even two a day? One a week? Who got caught on CCTV eating all the pies?

Send us your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a free one-way trip to Canada and dodge the draft – just like Bill Clinton did.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.