Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Fact: Funerals Cheaper in Germany

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – making one suspect that it might just be a case of déjà vu for April Fool’s Day – with a cameo helping hand from the Mad March Hare.

Police have arrested two German women after foiling their idiotic attempt to smuggle the body of a dead relative onto a plane at Liverpool’s Yoko Oxo Airport.

Staff at the Corpse Air booking counter became suspicious and alerted airport security when the women tried to check-in their dead Uncle Hermann, who was wearing a balaclava and sunglasses, for a flight to Berlin this morning.

Police investigations around Liverpool’s Asbo Hamlets Estate, home to Fraulines Tekem Orloff and Ingrid van Humper, revealed that the deceased man had lived in their garden shed and was known as Scouse Hermann, a German national who spoke with a pronounced Merseyside accent.

The women were quick to assure police officers they hadn’t murdered the 96-year old Uncle Hermann for his insurance money but that he had simply croaked after a heavy session at the pub the previous day sculling litre steins of Old Headbanger lager and wolfing platefuls of sauerkraut and bratwurst.

When they arrived at the airport Uncle Hermann was strapped into a wheelchair with his eyelids cellotaped open but had a distinct ‘dead’ look about him which aroused the suspicions of airline staff at the check-in desk – more so due the nauseating smell of the formaldehyde the women had injected into the corpse to prevent it stinking while in transit.

Security immediately performed a frisk-down to ensure the body wasn’t concealing any explosive devices or a Semtex suicide vest and discovered the entire torso had been opened from bollocks to man tits, then stitched up again.

Ms Orloff informed police officers that as Uncle Hermann was registered as a transplant organ donor they had rung the phone number provided on his card and some Chinese guy came around promptly on a push bike and removed various internal body parts for a one-off cash in hand payment of £5,000.

Due the exorbitant and thus prohibitive costs of funerals in the UK it was decided to bump Uncle Hermann on the 06:30 red eye to Berlin the next morning where he could be buried as a penniless ‘ward of the state’ - next to his deceased wife Gruntzilla, hence saving Frauline Orloff the cost of a funeral.

The two women, aged 19 and 26, were arrested on suspicion of failing to give notification of a death and may well be charged under the Gross Stupidity Act 1997, which came into force immediately after the barmy British public voted Tony Bliar and his dodgy New Labour Party into office.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If a bear drops dead in the woods and there’s no-one around to sign a death certificate, who gonna bury the fucker?

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