Friday, 26 March 2010

Wales Bans Electro-Torture of Pets

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill - with additional proof that this is the month of the Mad March Hare.

Welsh Wales has become the first part of the Nanny State UK to outlaw the use of electric shock collars, cattle prods and tasers to 'persuade' bellicose cats and disobedient dogs into behaving and submitting to the capricious whims of their Master’s – or Mistress’s - will.

The ban, introduced by members of the Llywodraeth Cynulliad Cymru assembly, mandates that from midnight anyone caught using the devices faces a penalty of having to wear one of the 50,000 volt ‘shock’ collars themselves while serving a community service order of up to six months.

The collars are used to train dogs and cats by delivering a paralysing electric shock when the animal is deemed to have committed a 'pets behaving badly' sin – such as meowing or barking out of turn, tearing the curtains to shreds, eating the goldfish, chewing up the Argos catalogue, shitting in the bath, biting lumps out of the baby or mortally savaging the postman.

Wales' Rural Affairs Minister Chlamydia Mingerot told the Big Brother Gazette that she believed there was no place for electro-shock collars in modern animal training – although she did agree with government authoritarians who promulgate the use of the collars to expedite the Pavlovian response conditioning of mayhem-bent hoodies and chavs who disobeyed the statutes of their Asbo’s.

Conversely manufacturers claim the devices helped to successfully train dogs not to chase livestock, or attack other pets or people, and had been developed in Iraq’s Abu Ghraib Prison for training recalcitrant Muslim terrorists not detonate high explosive Semtex suicide vests in crowded pedestrian shopping malls.

Ghengis Torquemada, chairman of the FTH (Fuck That Hurt) company that manufactures the high voltage electro-shock collars "I reckon the ban’s a bad idea all round because it’s going to rip a swathe through our profits and put us all out of business.”
“Fer fuck’s sake, it’s only dogs and effin’ cats that are getting it – not women and kids. We’re not the Israelis doing one on the Palestinians round Gaza.”

“This is what we make – instruments of pain and torture - and the Welsh Assembly ban could mean massive lay-offs for our staff.”

While animal welfare groups such as the RSPCA and the Kennel Club supported the ban and want to see it implemented across England too, they also sympathised with Mr Torquemada’s position and that of FTH Inc. – who currently turn out half a million collars per annum.

However the FTH Inc. company might well have salvation on the horizon as Home Secretary Sir Isaac Hunt announced that following consultations with the HM Prisons Board and the Probation Service that the government was seriously considering legislation to have the shock collars forcibly fitted to erring yobs who breached the mandates of their Asbo’s.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy or Bono-type philosophy.

Thought for the day: If a drunken yob pisses through your letterbox and there’s no-one around to see him, will he get automatically zapped?

No comments: