Thursday, 11 March 2010

The Last Supper was Marmite on Toast - Que?

A new religious cult has sprung into being around the Welsh Rhondda Valley area – the Jesus Christ Church of Latter Day Marmites.
Yep, that’s it – Marmite – the smelly brown shit some people get addicted on and inject into their arm – or spread on toast then eat.

It may sound like a big joke to every bugger and their dog but the devout Jones family of Numpty y Carreg – and their current congregation of 666 fervent followers - are convinced they can see the face of Jesus on the inside surface of a Marmite jar lid.

Judas Jones, 96, a former tortoise polisher, told one reporter from the Requilary Gazette he first noticed the Marmite-smeared image on the underside of the lid as he was putting the crap-brown yeast spread on a slice of toast for the budgie’s breakfast.

His missus Bathsheba, 92, claimed she couldn’t believe her eyes – especially so as she didn’t have her reading glasses on – and cried out “Fuck me drunk on a Sunday, it’s an effin’ miracle!”

Judas elaborated “I called out to my youngest lad, Ichabod – the family techie – “Hey bollocks, get your lazy arse down here with that webcam of yours and stop jacking off on Facebook chat boxes.”
“So Ichy’ comes downstairs pulling his pants up, looks at the jar lid and says “No shit Da’ – what the fucking hell is Jesus doing around the Rhondda Valley? Is someone from the corner shop taking the piss?”

“Anyways, now we have a video recording and still piccies of the image too – and we’ve made the lid its own little altar in the parlour – on the mantelpiece over the new gas fire, so all the worshippers can come and kneel down and light a candle then say a prayer and get blessed – and cop for a £5 spoonful of our special Judas Jones brand of ‘Holy Marmite’.

However this is nowhere near the first time that Jesus Christ or the Virgin Mary have been venerated due their ‘purported’ manifestations in or on a wide variety of objects – ranging from toasted cheese sandwiches, an Indian chapatti, the trunk bark of a Hawthorne tree - and the face of Christ in the nightly shadow of a tree’s foliage cast against a caravan site fence – in Australia.

In 1997 the famous ‘Nun Bun’ (not to be confused with the ‘Bun in the Oven’) - made its miraculous debut at a Nashville bakery - a Cinnamon bun with a striking resemblance to the late Mother Theresa – wrinkles, warts, bad dentistry and all.

Obviously not wishing to get left out of the Divine Manifestations phenomenon bourse, the followers of Islam have jumped on the bandwagon in Yorkshire (yes, Yorkshire – don’t ask me why) where a Muslim housewife in Bradford virtually shit her knickers when she discovered a message from Allah - inside a tomato. (No, this isn’t a joke – not yet anyway)

Thirteen year old housewife and mother of three Sharmuta Jaffacake found the Islamic scripture while she was knocking up a fresh Oasis salad for the harem’s lunch. Apparently she chopped a tomato in half, and the name ‘Bismillah’ - or Allah –was written in Arabic across the veins. The other half of the fruity vegetable said ‘La illaha illala’ - or ‘There is no other God but Allah’.

Now thousands of Muslim fanatics are flocking to the small terraced house in West Yorkshire to venerate and worship at the Shrine of the Immaculate Tomato, which they believe carries a divine message from Allah telling them to sod off to Afghanistan and join Taliban Dan’s Jolly Jihad brigade – and defeat the infidel armies of the Great Satan (America).

Allergy warning : This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel – and perhaps a message from God.

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