Saturday, 20 March 2010

Job Titles – What’s in a Name?

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill.

When the Auschwitz Anorexia SA diet foods company decided to recruit a career lard-arsed couch spud to eat high fat / mega-calorie junk foods, it advertised for a "Product Consumption Technician" – which goes to prove that job titles don't always tell the full story.

As job adverts go, this is one which has started appearing in Jobcentre Plus branches throughout the UK and perhaps promises more than its title suggests.

"Do you want to earn £23,750 a year to continue doing exactly what you do every single day – hang around the betting shop and the pub, swilling back pint after pint of Bitch Thumper lager and eating bags of crisps and pork scratchings?”

“All we ask in return is that you eat 16% extra calories a week (400 more calories a day of your favourite pizza or fish n chips - whilst introducing a daily dose of the all-new ‘Hi-Roentgen’ radioactive Proactol slimming drug into your diet – and providing regular stool samples."

However while the job itself is euphemistically titled ‘Product Consumption Technician’ nowhere does the overall job description mention that the diet they expect you to consume consists of rat fat and cholesterol-laden pig swill – or that their Proactol slimming drug will rot your stomach lining and colon – and leave you dropping hi-viz turds that glow in the dark.

Job titles versus actual job descriptions have evolved into pitfall-strewn fields of deception, graded only by the extent of the euphemism and circumlocution employed.
This fact was attested to by many Daily Shitraker readers following their survey on “Jobs – What’s in a Name?”

Willy from Aberdeen related “I gets this smashin’ job wiv the Ferryhill Masonic Temple as a “Child Talent Spotter” – and it’s all okay until I find out I’m lurkin’ around school playgrounds and parks recruitin’ ‘talent’ fer a kiddie-fiddlin’ paedophilia ring made up of the local worthies. Now I’m on an effin’ sex offenders register an’ can’t get a job anywhere.”

Jacko from Newcastle landed a minimum wage job tagged with the high-flying executive title of Waste Management Consultant – aka a recycling wheelie bin emptier.

Local East End lad Scott’s inflated job title is Marine Asset Analyst – slightly deceiving considering he works in Hyde Park and counts how many rowing skiffs they have hired out on the Serpentine.

Monty Hunter from Glasgow is a Senior Information Advisor – who single-handedly mans a phone line and answers caller’s queries via his online Yellow Pages.

Candida from Rockall relates that after leaving university and swimming across to the British mainland she landed a well-paid job with the elegant title Surveyorship Enumerator – counting cars going through traffic lights.

Morton from Twatford-on-Sea informed us that as a student he took a summer office job as an Internal Communications Coordinator and walked around the offices delivering faxes to the desk jockeys.

Debbie from Scunthorpe, after training, achieved the exalted position of Vertical Transport Engineer – she was the lift operator in an office block.

Bazzer went down to his local Jobcentre Plus looking for a labouring vacancy and ended up as a high faluting Vision Clearance Technician – then found himself up a ladder cleaning windows.

Fellattia took the easy way out and became a Domestic Engineer by getting married - now she bears the title WIFE – ‘Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc.’

Oh well it could have been worse – like getting a job as a ’Welcomer’ or ‘Welfare Officer’ at Iraq’s Abu Ghraib Prison.

Allergy warning : This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel.

No comments: