Pope Says Sorry for Shirt-Lifting Priests

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill.

God’s man about Rome – His Vicar on Earth whose divinely-guided finger monitors the religious pulse of Humanity - Pope Benny, the all-new Mk XVI German ‘built to last’ Uber-Pontiff model - has officially apologised to victims of child sex abuse by Catholic priests in Ireland.

Contained in a nice pastoral letter, scribed by his own fair hand on perfumed Holly Hobby notepaper and addressed to Irish Catholics, Benny acknowledges the sense of betrayal in the Church felt by victims and their families.

The Pope admits there had been "serious mistakes" among bishops in responding to allegations of paedophilia- and even bigger fuck-ups by the Church’s human resource recruiters in allowing a bunch of homo’-paedo’-kiddie-fiddling botty buggerers to be ordained and permitted access to groups choir and altar boys.

The pastoral letter is the first official statement of its kind by the Vatican on the serial sexual abuse of children – a practice that dates back to the establishment of the Catholic Church as a nice little hideaway and sanctuary for society’s perverts – such as sodomite priests and paedo-dyke nuns.

The publication of Pope Benny’s letter follows revelations of an epidemic of paedophilia within the Irish Catholic Church, which have rocked the institution – and also hammered the Hell out of the Church’s financial coffers in compo’ pay-outs and hush money.

Scandals arising from the sexual abuse of minors involving priests have been reported in every country on Earth where Catholicism rears its ugly head - including the Pope's native Germany – and fingering (sic) the Pope’s own brother Monsignor Georgy Ratflinger – with the banner headline of last weekend’s Der Shittraker gutter press tabloid displaying “The Georgy Porgy Choirboy Orgy”.

Addressing the victims of abuse, Pope Benny wrote: "You have suffered grievously and I am truly sorry." Your trust has been betrayed and your dignity has been violated – along with a great many tight arseholes too.”

Conversely critics have been quick to put the boot into Pope Benny’s message claiming “What’s the point of an apology when these pederast priests are escaping punishment?”
“Does his Holiness not realise it isn’t very nice having a priest’s cock shoved up your bum while you’re bent over lighting the altar candles – or having to suck and swallow while kneeling down to take Holy Communion.”

However Benny declared those guilty of abuse must answer before God for the sinful actions they had committed – but fortunately all the offenders were Catholics so they could go to confession and be granted absolution for their sins through the Sacrament of Reconciliation - and still get into Heaven – unlike those nasty little whistle-blowing choir boys who’ll end up in the Ninth Circle of Hell – the one specially reserved for Stoolies and Grassers – for snitching on their spiritual mentors.

Allergy warning : This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of untruths, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.