Monday, 8 March 2010

Lost Tribe of Israel Found – in Zimbabwe?

Once again, the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill.

The Lemba people are easy to distinguish from other starving Zimbabwean peasants of the Mashona and Matabele tribes dispossessed by President Rhubarbie’s kleptocratic skank of a wife, Dis-Grace.

They wear skull caps, cut the ends off their cocks, have bar mitzvahs, pray in a language which is a mixture of Yiddish and Rubbish, only eat kosher pigs at Christmas and tattoo the Star of David on the left cheek of their arses.
Further, the Lemba’s oral traditions claim that their ancestors were shifty Shylocks who fled the Holy Land thousands of years ago.

It may sound like another pile of opportunistic bullshit to simply justify a grab for Israeli citizenship and a foreign passport - and get the phuck out of the basket case mess that now constitutes Carrington’s Folly - the brain-dead, homophobic President Rhubarbie’s ‘Marxist Utopia of Zimbabwe’.

However scientists from Nigeria’s prestigious 419 University for Advanced Guessology have carried out DNA tests which may well confirm the Lemba’s Jewish origins as they all possess the tell-tale ‘Greedy Gits’ unqualified arrogance gene.

These tests back up the Lemba tribe's belief that a group of perhaps seven men – part of the Tribe of Nump - migrated from what was then Palestine, mated with African women – hence why they look nothing like the present day Khazar Jewish usurpers currently occupying Palestine, who boast they can trace their historic right to occupy and dominate the Holy Land to as far back as 1948.

However contemporary legend maintains that the tribal diaspora occurred during the mass exodus from Egypt when the Israelis did a moonlight bunk, leaving the 19th Dynasty’s royal seraglio half built, and were pursued for breach of contract by a most pissed-off Pharaoh Ramses II and his bunch of chariot-mounted nasty git cohorts.

When Moses parted the roiling waters of the Red Sea for his people to cross and escape the pursuing horde of irate Egyptians – Aaron O’Dinga and Rastus Weaselstein of the Tribe of Nump said ‘Fuck you boyo – we ain’t walking through there’ - and exited stage right, heading down the coast and into the Dark Continent proper – where they apparently wandered for decades before arriving in what became known as the Promised Land of bounteous plenty - Southern Rhodesia.

Further, to corroborate their intended land-grabbing claim to a good portion of Palestine’s occupied West Bank, they also have a prized religious artefact they believe confirms their Jewish ancestry - a replica of the Biblical Ark of the Covenant - known as the Ngoma Lungundu, meaning "Big Wooden Box" – which unkind critics state resembles a tea chest with two broom handles stuck to it with duct tape - with the word ‘Tea’ crossed out and ‘Ark of de Kovenant’ scribbled on the side in pencil.

So, are the Lemba people one of the ten lost tribes of Israel – just like the faithful of the Utah-based Cheesy Crust Church of Latter Day Morons - who also claim to be wayward Israelis?
Well, maybe – with a prominent ‘perhaps’ on the ‘maybe’ – since several members of the tribe informed reporters from the Apostates Gazette “Some of us are Muslim Jews and some of us are Christian Jews – and we even have Buddhist Jews, Hindu Jews and atheist Jews here – plus Shaka Jaffacake over there who’s a Pancake Tuesday Presbyterian Jew and believes the Earth’s as flat as Granny Chuckabutty’s tits.”

“You know, we are just like our African soul brother in the White House – born in Kenya so he’s British – educated in Indonesia so he’s a Muslim – has a forged Hawaiian birth certificate so he’s then a Christian American – and gets to be de President. Dis multi-denominational religious angle is just great.”

Are you part of the lost tribes of Israel? Do you believe you might be one of Jehovah’s Chosen People? Would you cut the end off your cock on the say-so of a ‘loving, caring God'? Have you ever been a member of any goyim neo-Nazi militant groups? Are you a ‘true blue’ Holohoax believer? Do you have the latest hit from Gerry and the Gentiles on your MP3 player? Were you in Dubai recently travelling on a British passport?

Send your comments using the online post form below and we’ll pass them onto Rabbi Slimeberger and Tipzi Livid at the Tel Aviv-based Ministry of Genocide for adjudication.
If you are accepted as being from one of the lost ten tribes and granted Israeli citizenship, what type of passport do you prefer to travel on – British, Irish, Australian, German or French?

If you make a false statement a selection of your comments may be sent to Hamas and Hezbollah, displaying your name and location - unless one of Mossad’s bungling hi-fiver hit squads bumps you off first.

Allergy warning : This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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