Cut-Price Plastic Plods to Replace Cops

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill.

Almost 17,000 so-called "accredited persons’, including car park attendants, newspaper delivery boys, wheelie bin operatives and lollipop ladies already have powers to adjudicate offences and penalties – and hand out a string of stiff fines – plus take photographs, fingerprints and DNA samples of low level ‘social crimes’ miscreants and delinquents under the EUSSR’s all-new Community Safety Accreditation Scheme.

However the Government’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money, in concert with the Department for Sorting Crap Out, informed a reporter from the Daily Shitraker it plans to review the scheme with the Common Purpose social engineering group and the pscho’s runing the Tavistock Institute to determine how the scheme can be further expanded to include the majority of people comprising the ranks of the UK’s 3 million unemployed peasants.

Conversely certain honest career rank and file police officers who have maintained a modicum of common sense since Britain was press-ganged and dragged kicking and screaming into full EUSSR membership - warned the move is "blurring the lines" of legitimate law enforcement and creating a "third tier" of policing akin to that of the corrupt Stalinist ‘Stassi’ and Nazi ‘Gestapo’ organisations – both great German innovations.

Even chief constables are now shitting their proverbial pants over the scheme following it's rapid growth, which has seen the numbers of Renta-Thug plastic plod agencies increase at a geometric rate since MI6 and Mossad carried out the7/7 false flag ‘terrorist bombings on the London Underground train system to demonise Islam and kick start the Holy War that topped the Department of Propaganda & Public Scaremongering’s ‘wish list’.

Expansion of the dodgy scheme will further fuel concerns that, with increasing budget pressures and continuing fiscal mismanagement, the Government is keen to push for policing on the cheap and boost revenues to refill the coffers depleted due bailing out dodgy banks – and providing the banksters with whopping bonuses.

Under CSAS, a chief constable can bestow employees of local authorities or private companies with powers such as the right to hand out on-the-spot fines for such social / public arena offences as not shaving, farting inside shops, scratching your arse, nose picking, pulling a sickie, school truancy and littering.
These new powers will further enable plastic plods to confiscate alcohol and cigarettes from kindergarten pupils and also stop BMX bikes and skate boards to carry out roadside inspections and check for out-of-date tax discs and bald tyres.

The proposed new Plod Squad – a veritable army of civilian "spies" - will have their own uniform, badge and handcuffs – plus a truncheon, pepper spray and taser - and will be chartered to demand names and addresses as well as take photographs, fingerprints and the DNA samples of likely social order offenders and generalised scallies.

But within one section buried in a recent Home Office neighbourhood policing strategy document lies the statement: "The Community Safety Accreditation Scheme (CSAS) is a powerful way for our new political police to work with a local council’s Snitch & Grassers Department and PFI mercenary partners like Aegis, Sandline and Slackwater/XE - to keep neighbourhoods safe by giving them the powers to tackle ASB (anti-social behaviour) by knee-capping chavs, hoodies and scallies – or simply ‘dissappear’ them to the nearest Totenkompf (Death’s Head) Konzentrationslager for a spot of ‘re-education’.

While the expansion of the CSAS is hoped to be completed by this summer, Sir Irwin Bogbrush, the Chief Constable of Smegmashire and ACPO lead on CSAS, told a reporter from the Totalitarians Gazette: "Accredited sadists – erm 'persons' - recruited from the ranks of the unemployed jobsworths and window-lickers do play a part in building safe and secure neighbourhoods and tracking down the local Anti-Christs and arresting drunks loitering outside the area’s Troublespot Taverns.”

"However, their role must remain distinct from that of police officers whose task is to uphold and enforce the EUSSR’s latest Stalinist rules and regulations – which will now be expanded to include anybody who thinks for themselves or might be inclined to disagree with or question anything the government says. These persons will henceforth be labelled as domestic terrorists, declared mentally ill and confined to one of our looney bins.”

“We’ll always need a few extra barbaric mongrels who enjoy a spot of Schadenfreude (malicious pleasure) to man the new concentration camps and gulags spread out across the Pennines and Yorkshire moors - who are devoid of any and all aspects of social or moral conscience – and who won’t bat an eye when turning on the Zyklon B showers or lighting the gas ovens.”

Nevertheless, the move raises fresh fears over the future of policing, especially as there are already more than 17,000 police community support officers and a rapidly expanding legion of ‘accredited’ zero IQ civilians who don't have the brains to shit straight, never mind anything like the proper training, experience or respect to try and boss around members of the public.

While the numpty scheme might well be an innovative tool to tackle anti-social behaviour that will free up police time to concentrate on more serious crimes – such as investigating establishment paedophilia rings in Aberdeen – the public memory is still troubled by the barbaric actions of one plastic plod from the Renta-Thug agency who, without reason, harassed and attacked an innocent passer-by during the G20 protests in London in April 2009 – specifically news vendor Ian Tomlinson – who was struck with a club then pushed to the ground, sustaining internal injuries that killed him within minutes following the incident.

According to a preliminary report released by the Independent Police Coverups Commission, PC Ghengis McTwat - an ‘accredited’ Community Enforcement Officer hired for the day from the Renta-Thug agency - suffered an unfortunate ‘psychotic episode’ and accidentally nudged Mr Tomlinson with his cattle prod while experiencing a bout of nausea and dizziness brought on by forgetting to take his prescription medication for ‘anger management’.

McTwat, a former tomcat strangler, had apparently been on this course of medication since he was fired from his previous job as a Welfare Officer at Iraq’s Abu Ghraib Prison due dereliction of duty.

So the ‘illegal killing’ of Ian Tomlinson scandal is still under investigation by the Independent Police Coverups Commission – and will continue to be investigated over and again until the matter fades from the dumb-ass public’s memories – or is replaced by the distractions of a general election, followed by the World Cup.

So, the Ministry of Peasant Control’s Community Safety Accreditation Scheme is to go ahead, proving with perfect 20/20 hindsight that the Hegelian Dialectic of Problem - Reaction – Solution really works for getting shit done.

One ponders what that grand Yorkshireman Guy Fawkes, whose portrait adorns the centrefold pages of this month’s Anarchists Gazette magazine, would make of the EUSSR and Britain’s Totalitarian state?

Based on information gleaned off the Wallace and Gromet website today, the UK is now touted in the prestigious international tourist guide “Which Dump?” as the Big Brother Boredom Capital of Europe - and London labelled with the moniker ‘CCTV Central’.
The travel guide further touts Scotland’s Grampian region - and particularly the city of Aberdeen’s Ferryhill area - as the new destination of choice for international paedophiles and kiddie fiddling perverts – outdoing the sin city pederast centres of South-East Asia..

Allergy warning : This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel.

Thought for the day: Under the statutes of the all-new Community Safety Accreditation Scheme, if a bear shits in the woods will it be picked up on CCTV camera and the offending Ursine presented with an on-the-spot fine for not using a poop scoop and bagging up his own mess?