Glasgow Council’s Wunderkind Goes Tits Up

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill.

The numpty morons who claim the Scottish political scene is as interesting a watching paint dry and nearly as much fun as chemotherapy (apart from viewing the everyday instances of blatant corruption) might want to site their magnifying lenses over the current mega-scandal unravelling around the Labour-controlled Glasgow City Council.

Local Ubermensch Steven Purcell was talked about as the saviour of the Scottish Labour Party and its brightest rising star - and tipped as a future First Minister to replace the feckless, porcine Alex Salmond – leader of the Scottish Barratry Party.

Perhaps when Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown shook his hand last week the Curse of Broon took hold and within days wonderboy Purcell - Glasgow’s most senior politician – had snorted enough coke and downed sufficient booze to kill a big brown dog, chucked in his budding career and attempted suicide by trying to drown himself in a local duckpond.

To complicate matters further a major police investigation now links the same inept clot to major organised drug criminals - and his 18-year-old Labour activist catamite lover, Anus McGitlaid, had the thoughtless and embarrassing audacity to drop dead outside the city’s Council Chambers – apparently due a diabetic stroke or heart attack.

According to the gospel spread across the banner headlines of today’s Daily Shitraker gutter press tabloid, Purcell had recently confessed to friends that he was an alcoholic, “dabbled” in cocaine and was being blackmailed by dealers linked to the infamous Glasgow drugs baron Hector Salmond – who had obtained mobile phone footage of him engaged in group homosexual activities in the Doggers Wood area of Glasgow’s Botanical Gardens.

As the week progressed the story unravelled more and Purcell’s vain attempts at crisis management were no match for overwhelming evidence that he was stepping down because of cocaine addiction rather than stress – a fact wholly supported by the ubiquitous white powder stains around his haemorrhaging nostrils.

The 37-year-old Purcell who was ranked at number 16 last year in a Sunday Scandalmonger survey of the 50 most powerful faggots and dykes in British politics, resigned as a councillor last Friday, claiming he was no longer fit for purpose and suffering from acute stress, bringing to an end his high-flying career.

Purcell then went into total meltdown, with Twatfone blocking his number after he was unable to contact his drug supplier and abused call centre staff – and then subsequently discovered in tears at his office desk – the floor strewn with Scotch bottles and empty coke packs – talking nonsense to himself – and thus ended up sectioned in the elite Castle Craig rehab’ centre.

Candida Slitcrotch, Purcell’s council staff secretary, who does volunteer work for Ox-Rat, the grass and snitch charity, wanted to blow the whistle concerning his ‘chemical dependency’ weeks before his final mental breakdown but was stopped by Purcell’s mysteriously funded lawyers – Levi & McSlagg – famous throughout the Highlands for protecting kiddie fiddling rings from Dunblane to Aberdeen – and all points in between.

The final straw in Purcell’s mental downfall was hearing of the sudden death of his gay lover Anus McGitlaid outside the Council Chambers.
Purcell then absconded from the Castle Craig rehab centre on Sunday night and attempted suicide by drowning himself in a half-metre deep duckpond in Victoria Park before being rescued by lifeguards from a mobile Community Support team.

Chief Inspector Hector McTwatt, head of the Plod Squad’s elite ‘See You Jimmy’ unit – part of the Scottish Crime and Drug Running agency – was contacted on his emergency mobile number by Levi & McSlagg solicitors while attending a Masonic kiddie fiddling party in Aberdeen and immediately returned to Glasgow to take control of the scandalous situation.

McTwatt loaded the blubbering Purcell onto a private charter plane owned by Sir Angus McBogbrush – the senior civil service mandarin at Edinburgh’s Holyrood-based Ministry for Whitewash & Coverups - and was flown out of the country to a secret ‘sunny destination’ – rumoured to be Sir Angus’ own villa at the elite Tapas Nine Hamlets in the Praia da Luz area of the Portuguese Algarve - before he could open his mouth to the press and drop everyone in the shit.

Dr Ghengis Kruntt, who conducted the post mortem examination on Anus McGitlaid informed a reporter from the Sodomites Gazette that the autopsy had revealed he didn’t die of a heart attack or stroke but internal bleeding from a perforated duodenal ulcer caused by too much snort, suck and swallow (coke and semen) – and that the 18-year old deceased obviously suffered with chronic haemorrhoids and his anal sphincter was dilated to excess from a history of stiff tadgerings.

Bio: Councillor Purcell, a member of the Axminster tartan clan, was elected, unopposed, as Labour leader of Glasgow City Council on 24 May 2005 at the age of 32 after the body of his only rival – Tory candidate Willy McScrunt – was found – headless – on the banks of Loch Ness – apparently yet another victim of the infamous monster.

Purcell, a founding member of the Glasgow Halitosis Society, came to the Labour party’s attentions when he won the Lanarkshire caber tossing championships in 1989, and was invited to join the Freemasons and pursue a profitable career as a coprophagous bottom feeding politician.

Socially, Purcell was renown for performing his Anthony Gormless ‘Moron of the North’ statue impersonation after swigging a bottle of first malt and snorting a couple of lines of coke.

In 1993 he was joint winner of the Grampian TV Dork Channel’s 2009 Celebrity Knobhead Show along with the erotic pole dancing Siamese twins Feral Beryl and Toxic Tessie Mingerot.

Since assuming office as the Labour leader of Glasgow City Council Purcell has been blighted with accusations of criminal behaviour and connected to a string of scandals concerning bribes, blackmail, contract killings and illegal offshore deposits involving massive sums of money laundered through accounts with Dogger Bank – all of which have been suppressed by threats of legal action from Levi & McSlagg solicitors and Holyrood’s In-Justice Minister Kenny ‘Coverups’ MacAskill.

However Purcell suffered a major personal setback after his threatened court actions against the Daily Shitraker went wholly ignored last January when they published a story claiming Glasgow and Aberdeen were jointly vying for the top slot in the prestigious international tourist guide “Which Dump?” as being named ‘Crime Capital of the UK’.

Allergy warning : This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel.

Thought for the day: If a bear shits in the Ferryhill area of Aberdeen will the Grampian police come along with their poop scoop and clean up the mess?

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.