Kraut Prince Appeals – Now Only Half-Guilty

Once again, the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill.

A German court has fined the spoiled brat Kraut husband of Monaco's Princess Caroline de Skank, 200,000 Euros for assaulting a hotelier in Kenya in 2000 during the New Year’s Eve Millennium celebrations.
Prince Ernst August van der Twatt of Bendover, 96, was found guilty at an earlier trial in 2004 of causing grievous bodily harm and fined 445,000 Euros.

However after petitioning several high ranking Masonic members of the international judiciary, and doling out a few hefty bribes, he was granted a new trial over the incident after appealing against his unjust conviction for being an utter nasty drunken prick.

While the super-corrupt Kenyan authorities were persuaded not arrest the Prince after receiving a Pestco supermarket ‘bag for life’ filled to the brim with 1,000 shilling notes, the case was nevertheless pursued in Germany by the plaintiff.

On Tuesday, Judge Heinrich Shittleberg, sitting in the town of Die Fotze, fined His Excellency Prince Ernst August of Bendover the equivalent of 40 days of his salary, which the court put at 5,000 Euros daily – for unprovoked sadistic acts of Schadenfreude or "malicious pleasure" by beating hotel manager Frankie Goebbels – a German national – half to death with a three kilo frozen snapper.

The Prince told one reporter from the Totenkompf Gazette that he was saddened by reports on the incident which occurred on Lamu Island – a short distance from His Utter Ruthlessness’s personal private Schutzstaffel Island - where he maintains a small BD/SM Konzentrationslager – actually modelled on a cross between the Nazi Auschwitz classic style embellished with elements of ‘Modern’ gleaned from the current FEMA concentration camp layouts in the US.

At the earlier trial the court ruled that the shit-faced raging Prince had ‘anger management’ problems and had repeatedly hit hotel manager Goebbels with the frozen fish after becoming incensed at the noise and flashing lights from the laser show at the neighbouring hotel disco.

Ernst August and his wife had maintained he only gave Goebbels – the Warzone Hotel’s manager - two "symbolic slaps" round the head - "one for the music and one for the lights" – the first of which demolished all his teeth - and the second which knocked out his left eye and gave him a cauliflower ear.

Applying a stern measure of Teutonic authoritarian arrogance the Prince had demanded a complete acquittal – or else – but, regardless of his displays of brazen hubris, was convicted of ‘gross contempt for the court’, ‘utter rudeness’ and ‘causing grievous bodily harm’ with a dead fish.

Herr Goebbels, manager of the Warzone Hotel - who, like Prince Ernst August, is a haughty German national – told Fux News he was assaulted by a gang led by the prince when he arrived with a bunch of unemployed Somali pirates - and several knuckle-dragging security guards from Mombasa’s Renta-Thug agency.

Their main whinge was to protest about noise from the disco - 200 meters across the sea channel from his chateau on the neighbouring Schutzstaffel Island - on the evening of the Millennium New Year – complaining he couldn’t hear his party guests screaming as he chased them around the island with a bullwhip and cattle prod.

Several members of Ox-Rat – the international snitch and grassers charity who had been deployed on ‘kiss n tell’ assignments in Mombasa – were attending the New Year celebrations party at the Warzone Hotel and witnessed the Prince’s drunken assault on Herr Goebbels – thus gave damning evidence against His Regal Highness in court.

However this was not the first time Ernst August - whom close friends and business associates alike refer to as a ‘right punchy kunt’ and 'totally bonkers' - has courted controversy.

In 1998 the Prince of Pomposity was fined 500,000 Euros and given a slap on his royal wrist for ripping the head off a hapless TV cameraman, and in 2000 he was photographed in his customary pissed-as-a-rat state while urinating outside the Turkish pavilion at the World's Fair in Bendover – unfortunately all over the feet of the Turkish Ambassador’s wife.