Sunday, 14 March 2010

Parliamentary Immunity for Dodgy Expenses?

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill.

Three House of Conmans MPs and a House of Lords peer have pleaded “Not guilty M’Lud” at Scumborough Hamlets Magistrates Court to charges related to their expenses claims – not because they didn’t fiddle the books and are culpable of ‘creative accounting (theft) but due the fact that Parliamentary privilege allows them to get away with it – and most other everyday crimes excepting premeditated murder of the Monarch, Treason, and buggering the Royal deer.

Jim Scally, Elliot Filcher, Candida Skank and Lord Isaac Pilferfield – in a desperate display of suave qui peut – unanimously declared before Westminster magistrates they denied theft by false accounting.

The Gang of Four further maintain that to prosecute them in the criminal courts for Parliamentary activities would infringe the principle of the separation of powers, which is one of the principles which underpin the UK's constitutional structure – and allows MP’s to fiddle a ‘couple of bob’ (££££££££) on their dodgy expense statements with complete immunity from censure or prosecution.

However, as per the maxim of Dicken’s Mr Bumbell the Beadle - of the Law being a total ass - all four were released on unconditional bail and will appear at the Loophole Lane Crown Court on the 30th March 2010.

The MPs are all suspended by the Labour Party, while Lord Pilferfield has been suspended by the Conservatives.
The four politicians were all charged with ‘theft’ last month but unanimously declared to a reporter from the Leechers Gazette that they were being made scapegoats of to shield offending members of their respective party’s hierarchy.

Jim Scally, Elliot Filcher, Candida Skank and Lord Pilferfield all face charges under section 17 of the 1968 Thieving Gits Act and if found guilty they face a maximum sentence of seven years' imprisonment.

Nevertheless the MPs could yet be further charged with fraud, grand larceny or gross misconduct in a public office.
The maximum sentence under both the Serious Fraud Act 2006 and the Thieving Gits Act 1968 is ten years. Misconduct in public office carries a maximum life sentence.

Conversely Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot partner Sue Fleecem QC, barrister for the three MPs informed reporters outside the court that her clients "unequivocally and steadfastly maintain their innocence of the charges against them”.

Ms. Fleecem continued: "The principle of the separation of powers means that whatever matter arises concerning the workings of Parliament should be dealt with by Parliament and not elsewhere and should be dealt with in a manner that is consistent with the way other members have traditionally been treated – ie – exonerated and let off with a warning."

Parliamentary privilege guarantees MPs and peers immunity from slander laws for statements in Parliamentary debate and also relates to immunity for crimes committed whilst within the confines of the Parliamentary buildings – such as compiling a claim for dodgy expenses.

However Ms Fleecem added that her clients were not "claiming that they are above the law", but were arguing against the process they were facing – and their modest padding of personal expenses was well within the rules of Parliamentary privilege.”

The Crown Prosecution Service yesterday revealed it was not bringing charges against a fifth offender - Labour peer Lord Seymour Weaselstein - due there not being a realistic prospect of a conviction while His Lordship was the current Justice Minister – and a 33rd Degree Freemason.

Charges of Misrepresentation and Embezzlement against the Baroness Marzipan Pola Dacoit (aka the Poison Dwarf) formerly a council representative of the Greedy Parasites Party for London’s Skidrow Hamlets, are still being considered by the Crown Prosecution Service and the DPP for claiming expenses for her designated ‘second home’ – a marble palace in Bangladesh – all built from the public purse of the British taxpayer - but which conspicuously fails to qualify as being within commuting distance of Westminster

Baroness Dacoit, the former Shadow Minister for Takeaways, has a history of learning difficulties and several convictions for shoplifting and petty theft.

Tory peer Lord Pilferfield made a statement after the court hearing, via his spokesman Mark Scrounger, who told Pox News the peer was devastated to be in this position and doesn’t believe that he’s done anything dishonest – apart from a spot of ‘creative accounting’."
“Lord Pliferfiled has devoted the last 40 years of his life to public service and is a British patriot.”

Ah, public service – self-sacrifice - patriotism – where did we hear this maxim before?
The gospel according to Dr Samuel Johnson – a keen spotter of political scoundrels large and small during his day – whenever someone refers to himself as a ‘patriot’ it’s time to start counting the tea spoons due ‘Patriotism’ being the last refuge of scoundrels.

Thought for the day: If an MP shits on his own doorstep and then treads in it – does it count as an ‘expense claim item’ if he has some jobsworth skivvy clean his boots?

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