Sunday, 14 March 2010

Bank of America gets the Bird

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill.

The Bank of America has been forced to kiss some black ass and apologise to a 96-year old grandmother in Shittsburg, Pennsylvania after one of its bailiffs entered her house, damaged furniture and parrot-napped her pet bird ‘Crackers’.

Rita Skank filed a lawsuit against the banksters alleging that the incident in February caused her so much "emotional distress" that she needed extra doses of her regular medication to ease her anxiety attacks - three bottle of Jack Daniels per day.

According to a report in the Scumbags Gazette, the Bank of America claims its computer system had erroneously tagged Granny Skank as defaulting on her mortgage and the house had been abandoned.

The bank’s shit-for-brains credit arrears department then dispatched a bailiff to the property with instructions to install new locks and seize all property within for re-sale to reduce the outstanding mortgage debt.

In her civil suit seeking $500,000 in damages, Granny Skank said the Bank of America’s bailiff had broken into her home in Shittsburgh while she was out at her pole dancing classes and cut off her utility services, sawn through water pipes and electrical wiring, damaged flooring and wall d├ęcor’, poured antifreeze into sinks and toilets - and then stolen her parrot.

When Ms Skank returned home she found her front door lock changed and a Bank of America court notice stapled to the porch declaring the property had been repossessed.
This initially disturbed the aging grandma as she’d never had an account with the bank nor was there any mortgage on the property.

However, using her street smart skills picked up around Shittsburg as a teenager, Granny Skank soon had the new front door lock picked and gained entry – to find all her furniture stolen – along with her blue macaw, Crackers.

She then rang the phone number listed on the seizure notice to protest but was given the Kansas City shuffle by bank employees who advised her to stop phucking the cat and just pay her overdue mortgage bill – then she could have her parrot back.

Totally sick of getting no positive response Ms Skank called Homeland Security and FEMA and informed them some sneaky Ayrab Muslim Jolly Jihad beardie types wearing balaclavas and Bank of America jackets had broken into her home and stolen her furniture and parrot.

From that point on it all went tits up in a bucket - with the bank’s downtown Shittsburg headquarters getting raided by Slackwater / XE thugs and the entire Bailiff / Repossessions department being arrested by FBI and DHS officers under the hazy statutes of the Domestic Terrorism Act - and flown out on a chartered extraordinary rendition flight to Kazakhstan – including all male bank staff sporting beards – plus Ms Candida Muffrot who is apparently afflicted with some sort of ‘facial hair’ post-menopausal hormone problem.

Bank of America lawyers have since accepted that Granny Skank did not have an account with them nor did they hold a mortgage on her property and duly undertook repairs to the damage caused and returned her furnishings.

Unfortunately Crackers the parrot has been impounded by Shittsburg police as state’s evidence and classed as a material witness – however Granny Scrunt is allowed to visit him each day and informed Pox News “Old Crackers has done learned some new words since he got bird-napped – “Pay the effin’ mortgage!” and “Bailiff’s are cunts!”

Allergy warning : This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy - or bird seed.

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